927. Chinese Communist Party will think this is "what Democracy
looks like," setting democratic reforms back 50 years.
Swift Boat story knocked off front pages just as it was starting to backfire.
New York Times guide for delegates includes address of Friends
In their editorial, Times braintrust references Bush's campaign
In another Times editorial, Ron Rosenbaum, in his welcome piece
celebrates doo-wop as part of the local culture.
Times guide also includes translation of word "Yo!" for visitors
(it's a "common salutation").
Osama bin Laden getting high and stuffing his face with Cheetos as he
watches with amusement.
920. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 1: Winner
of MTV's Republican-inspired "Stand Up and Holla!" contest to speak at
919. Hitler-Jugend Vol. 1.A: Winner
of MTV's "Stand Up and Holla!" contest, Arkansası Princella Smith, said
the president "inspires us to be what I call Generations X-ample...our
generation of 18-year-old soldiers can take a stand."
918. They can take limb-severing shrapnel,
too, but that goes unmentioned.
917. Pete Hamill uses word "flaneur"
in welcome-to-New York column in the Times.
916. News media seeks out reaction of: Moby.
915. Khaki pants at Gap no longer half-off.
914. The guy in front of you for the crapper is
913. Shushed at bar for asking patrons to turn
off O'reilly Factor.
912. Republican males "go native" by untucking
911. NYC masseuses tired of explaining concept
of "happy ending."
910. Whistles: annoying outside of protests. Annoying during protests.
909. Repeat sightings of Brad Pitt character from True Romance.
908. Falun Gong lost in the crowd.
907. Daily News "PLAY NICE" headline.
906. Would-be somber antiwar protest looks a lot more like a sex-and-drugs-free
liberal arts Mardi Gras in which everybody has a swell time and meets
new people to have coffee with.
905. Can't find a copy of The Business Secrets of Attila the Hun in
904. Absence of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer from speaking
program leaves Rick Santorum as only entertaining religious loony in program.
903. Donna Sheehan, founder of nude protest group Baring Witness,
on political strategy: "At any time or place, any woman might expose all -- and
I mean all -- for peace and justice. Her only intent is to seduce men into
902. Sheehan is in her seventies.
901. Legal observers, for all their trouble, never get laid.
900. Conservatives in town posing as limousine liberals -- and vice-versa.
899. Taxis won't go to our neighborhood.
898. Naked Cowboy won't pose with Democrats.
897. The Associated Pressı syndicated web featurette "Inside the Convention
Hall" plays "Happy Days Are Here Again" every time you load it.
896. Liberal group called Fuck the Vote busses in dozens of volunteers
with the intention of screwing delegates in exchange for allegiance to
the Democratic Party -- instead of just giving it up to overworked journalists.
895. Blue Man Group renamed White Man Group.
894. Every time a delegate uses a Diebold ATM they say, "This is the
same company that's gonna help us steal the next one."
893. Diebold buys out Times Square billboard monitors.
892. Alex P. Keaton look-alikes get their taxis hailed before us.
891. Investment bankers no longer the only obvious jerks in town.
890. Mock disco-dancing appearance by Staten Island Republican Congressman
Vito Fossella at the "Sunday Night Fever Party" at Roseland Ballroom.
889. We're not kidding about that Fossella item.
888. At Crobar's Tribute to Southern Delegations, hard to tell which
is the Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band and which is the real band.
887. Lynyrd Skynyrd-hosted Tribute to Southern Delegations at Crobar
thick with good-olı shared assumptions and unspoken understanding.
886. Minimum three-hour wait at midtown Olive Garden.
885. Counter-protesters at Sunday's rally chanting, "No Such Thing as
884. Counter-protesters defame one of the few good lines in original
Star Wars, calling U.N. a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
883. Counter-protesters wearing t-shirt with pictures of Ronald Reagan,
Dick Cheney and Johnny Ramone, with the caption, "The Classics."
882. Off-message protesters with "Get U.S. Troops Out of Korea" sign.
881. The last time Schwarzenegger was on film in New York was Last
Action Hero. Clearly, no good can come of this.
880. The dastardly Dolan family that owns MSG is cleaning up.
879. "Dykes against Bush" t-shirts -- because "Dykes for Bush" t-shirts
would rock so much harder.
878. Influx of county sheriffs means citizen arrests for smoking weed
sure to shoot way up.
877. No after-counter-convention rave at Ground Zero.
876. Pestilence, rivers running with blood, locusts.
875. Every female at the Sunday rally who was not wearing a bra really
should have been wearing a bra.
874. Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's band, Capitol Offense, will
be performing at the party for Republican governors.
873. The party for Republican governors is the only event taking place
in a borough other than Manhattan.
872. We couldn't get a ticket.
871. Log Cabin Republicans create run on meth.
870. We can't catch them saying it on tape.
869. Republican Attorneys General Association Brunch to include discussion
of nation's exposed-marble-tittie crisis.
868. Extra horse shit on the streets.
867. "My daddy's the president." -- First Daughter Jenna Bush in New
York, explaining who she is to actress Jennifer Coolidge.
866. At the "W Stands for Women" briefing at the Waldorf, nobody stood
up and screamed, "It stands for ¨Walkerı!"
865. Bush family friend Jerry Falwell leads the shadow convention in
a prayer, asking God to destroy New York once and for all sometime in
864. John Ashcroft not scheduled to sing "Let the Eagle Soar."
863. Not in front of the nation, anyway.
862. Education secretary Rod Paige's request not to wear lawn- jockey
uniform again is denied.
861. The inevitable attempts to place flowers in the barrels of NYPD
860. Local hairdressers unable to imitate Laura Bush hairstyle.
859. Forty-five salons close.
858. Staten Island Ferry blasted for not having a VIP section.
857. Dean & Deluca clerk harassed over store's lack of grits.
856. Delegates from Missouri spotting Jackie Chan on the streets 50 times
855. Bob Avakian, cult of personality Chairman of the Revolutionary Communist
Party, finding convention-week opportunities to push his new lecture documentary,
Revolution: Why It's Necessary, Why It's Possible, What It's All About.
854. William F. Buckley not getting beaten silly by Gore Vidal on
NBC every night.
853. Along with pompous son Christopher's welcome piece in the Times,
means conservative Republican/Buckley paradigm not yet a thing of the
852. Though the city is spending $78 million on security, we still feel
compelled to take our front tire and bike seat with us when we lock-down
two blocks from MSG.
851. Finding out that there really is a way to increase traffic in Midtown.
850. Delegates think we should be honored.
849. Bloomberg thinks we should be honored.
848. Our mother thinks we should be honored.
847. New standard of "real girlfriend experience" on ny-eros.com includes
ordering maid around and wearing pearls.
846. Visiting women in expensive shoes overheard screeching, "Ohmigod!
I feel, like, so Carrie Bradshaw!"
845. A heavily made-up Katherine Harris makes rare, non-voter-list-scrubbing
844. Ari Fleischer back from the corporate-board dead to sign autographs
and look like human worm.
843. Even more dudes in McSorley's than usual.
842. Lynne Cheney contemplates legality and timing of surprise inspections
of city schools syllabi.
841. Strand staffers grumpier than usual.
840. Frustrated Tom Tomorrow to create massive, 4398-panel masterpiece
of droll, defeatist liberal irony.
839. We've beaten up on Ted Rall so much in the last two years that doing
so now would be redundant.
838. Level-III ballistic control booths, double-sally port configurations,
nine perimeter checkpoints, 20-nautical-mile restrictive fly zone and
USAF combat patrols.
837. No Rage Against the Machine reunion show at SummerStage.
836. If Larry King and Charlie Rose catch sight of each other in the
walkway alongside Talk Show Row, all hell's gonna break loose...
835. ...Unless there's an open bottle of Old Granddad anywhere near
834. New York's Buddhists gently chuckling at how silly and un-centered
everyone else is, spend week pretending not to understand what the fuss
833. Michael Moore's USA Today guest column.
Media Falls in Line
New York City Media Welcome bash gives Time-Warner mall much-needed
Leading the Post's Robert George to exclaim: "A mall
with free drinks and appetizers is more than just a mall!"
At mall party, Editor & Publisher's Jennifer Saba reports:
"a striking blond artist and former intern for Vice"
named Carol Salomonson claimed that Larry King checked her
Salomonson described it as the "skivviest thing."
Salomonson meant "skeeviest."
Al Franken's shout-things-about-Bush-out-your-windows idea
an ineffectual extension of his idiotic radio concept.
Al Franken thinks he's too important and serious to do Stuart
Al Franken is wrong.
So, is Penn Station open or not?
823. So, is the post office
open or not?
822. Delegates think our streets
are normally this clean.
821. Delegates think our subways
are normally this clean.
820. Delegates think our homeless
are normally this missing.
Lingering close-ups of Mel Gibson and his dad in the VIP section trying
to look like they don't know they're on tv.
Motorcycle cops riding down 14th St. in bombing-run formation, a cigarette
dangling out of the leader's mouth.
Sept. 1 is moving day for thousands.
816. Now the world knows: Our cops really
do look like the Village People.
815. Bill Bennett takes suitcase of virtues
with him on midweek junket to Foxwoods.
814. RNC delegates won't shut up about
Museum of Natural History's evolution exhibit.
813. Abu Ghraib-themed nights at S&M
club no longer funny.
812. Festivities end Thursday, depriving world
of chance to learn from the people who invented Casual Friday.
811. Massive comeback for the Ghostbusters logo.
810. Recurring Stay Puff Marshmallow Man nightmares triggered by return
of Ghostbusters logo.
809. NYPD sniper nests.
808. Abraham Lincoln not arisen from the dead to say, "Dude, where's
807. Teen Wolf impossible to find in Blockbusters.
806. Quadrupling number of official Kerry-Edwards campaign e-alerts.
805. The largest ATF force ever gathered in U.S. history.
804. Exacerbating late-August lull in service industry.
803. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the convention
even began should tell people something.
802. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the conventions
even began should tell Republicans something.
801. Old Guatemalan dudes playing crap versions of "Imagine" in the subways.
800. More Kerry windsurfing pictures.
799. Youth reporters.
798. Broadway performers knuckling under after threatening a sit-out.
797. The Passion of the Christ 50-pack for churches: $1400.
796. He's Greg Stillson, people!
795. If it weren't for the convention, we wouldn't have to worry about
anything on this list.
794. Fox News debuts "Terrorism Quiz."
793. Likelihood that Schwarzenegger will say something like, "Bush'll
791. Post hack Dan Mangan predictably quotes lowball estimates
of protest numbers, ignoring wide agreement that around half a million
790. Post cunt Andrea Peyser interviews a tween girl, Michael
Moore and a Raelian -- makes sweeping judgment about dissent.
789. "We will be joined this week by thousandsçin the government employee
unions and radical environmental movement, and abortion activists and
anti-war protestorsç Please remember that, though this is our convention
week, Democrats are free to exercise their First Amendment right." -- From
a full-page ad/letter from Ed Gillespie to "Convention Friends" placed
in Monday editions of the Journal and Post.
788. Of four Post images of Sunday protest, one is a kid getting
arrested, one of a "masked demonstrator" -- in glasses and Tevas -- running
away from a burning papier-mache dragon effigy.
787. Daily News is almost as bad.
786. Ninety-one words into his fawning introductory convention kick-off
speech, mayor brings up 9/11, setting tone for weeklong exploitation fest.
785. William Safire unable to restrain boner for Norman Podhoretz's
aggressive plan to fight "World War IV," ejaculates on readers before
closing Monday column with soothing pillow talk on convention strategy.
784. Norman Podhoretz's plan for fighting World War IV is the same
as that found in the RNC platform.
783. Said plan is a flour, water, sugar and egg recipe for accelerating
the war/terror/war cycle until everyone is dead.
782. Later in speech, Bloomberg paraphrases Abe Lincoln and name-drops
Jackie Robinson in attempt to link current GOP to historic battles for
781. Men in cowboy hats.
780. Women in cowboy hats.
779. Dallas Cowboys fans.
778. The myth of Rudy as hero on 9/11 taken out of deep-freeze, pumped
full of bloodlike liquid, injected with vitamins. It lives!
777. City officially proclaims "Welcome Peaceful Protestors." City does
not proclaim "Welcome Peaceful Delegates."
776. Loathsome bad-hair pop capitalist icon Donald Trump hosts Wednesday
fundraiser for loathsome bad-hair Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter.
775. Trump introduced to visiting Republicans as the "Big Apple's Big
774. Port security still a joke.
773. "I believe President Bush is a good Christian." -- Fellow Good Christian
Bill Clinton, speaking Sunday at Riverside Church.
772. Secret Service officers giving children Secret Service pins on the
771. Walking growth hormones hold "Smackdown Your Vote!" event at New
770. Pro-choice march includes free drinks of "Venus Water for Women."
769. C-SPAN's ongoing efforts to slicken up image still hard to watch
768. Sight of Dick Cheney, the descendent of Puritan-era British immigrants
to New England -- spelled "Cheyney" originally -- making beeline to Ellis Island
for first NYC photo-op.
767. GOP platform cites "social science" in stating opposition to gay
766. Delegates who have waited lifetimes to see Wall Street.
765. Networks playing along and replaying images of planes hitting
764. ...and Bush at Ground Zero with the bullhorn.
763. The use of the phrase "personal" retirement accounts instead of
762. Bloomberg taking every available opportunity to rehash his "coming
out joke" from his mayoral campaign.
761. Groundswell among conservative commentators urges comparison to
1944 FDR convention.
760. Advertising Research Foundation survey finds only one in five Americans
believes convention-week tv ads by both candidates are "annoying."
759. White House Chief of Staff Andy Card tells Wall Street Journal
he is openly rooting for the Red Sox to catch the Yankees.
758. Republicans launch Backtothe Mainstream.org, an internet activism
site to counter MoveOn.org.
757. Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney giving everyone his card, memorizing
reporter names in preparation for 2008.
756. A&E announced this week original movie about the life of John McCain,
Faith in My Fathers.
755. Close-ups of tears in the crowd during Gatlin Brothers rendition
of the national anthem.
754. Pataki makes halfhearted attempts to distance himself from amazingly
unfunny play, John F. Kerry: He's No JFK, which depicts Hillary
Clinton as a tough lesbian.
753. Within minutes of the convention formally opening on Monday,
Dennis Hastert compares Bush to Lincoln.
752. Hastert once called New York's efforts to obtain homeland security
751. And this week said, "Those folks did a great job with the money
we got for them," referring to convention preparations that cost city
millions in own money.
750. Hastert will spend the entire convention week playing bash-the-piÀata
with fat corporate donors, including such functions as:
749. A party in Hastert's honor at Tavern on the Green hosted by General
748. A party in honor of Hastert's wife on Tuesday, hosted by the
Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad...
747. A museum party for Hastert thrown by Motorola...
746. An "Irish lunch" for Hastert hosted by the Akin Gump lobbying
745. A reception for Hastert hosted by Union Pacific...
744. And another lunch for Hastert on the final day, hosted by SBC.
743. As another GOP convention showcases diverse faces and cuddly rhetoric,
party strategists admit top priority behind the scenes is energizing far-right
742. French Revolution: no puppets. Paris Commune: no puppets. Russian
Revolution: no puppets. Gandhi's nonviolent overthrow of the British:
no puppets. Velvet Revolution: no puppets.
741. Aug. 29, 2004: puppets.
740. Nationwide shortage on cardboard tubes; millions of hamsters homeless.
739. Uppity do-gooders at Habitat for Humanity reject proposal to build
shelters from discarded protest tubes.
738. Cardboard tubes too flimsy and lightweight for back-alley gang-sodomy
of RNC volunteer who wandered too far from the Garden.
737. Dystopic corporate presence, such as:
736. General Motors gives more than 200 vehicles...
735. ...and a Travis Tritt concert.
734. The Cartier Mansion hosts party for Henry Bonilla.
733. Nissan and the American Gas Association honor Frist and Lamar Alexander
and the Tennessee delegates at Sotheby's.
732. Johnny Cash adopted as Republican symbol by way of the above-mentioned
party at Sotheby's, where an auction of Johnny and June Carter Cash memorabilia
will be held in September.
731. (Rosanne Cash remains silent.)
730. Monday Golf Tournament named in honor of Majority Leader Tom DeLay,
who explained his lack of Vietnam service this way in 1988: "So many minority
youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape
poverty and the ghetto, that there was literally no room for patriotic
folks like myself."
728. Sixteen years later, that's still funny.
727. Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps calling us a bunch of girlymen.
726. We're forced to remember that he's actually governor of California.
725. His visit is subsidized by 15 corporations, including the three
724. Cost of trip: $350,000
723. No one notices that his man-tits have grown weak and saggy; big-media
fails to ridicule them.
722. And yet, there weren't nearly enough pyrotechnics when he took the
721. When opened, the invitation to John McCain's Wednesday party
plays the Abba song, "Mamma Mia!"
720. Indiana Jones theme music played to McCain's entrance.
719. Filthy hippies from Vermont in knit hats.
718. Hijacking of nature's most perfect gift for political purposes:
717. Media, Republicans and protesters all going about their business
oblivious to fact that, for all intents and purposes, Dick Cheney is the
man being nominated on Thursday, not George W. Bush.
716. Face paint on non-Native Americans.
715. Influx of PETA activists leading restaurants to drop live monkey
brains from menus.
714. New York's elephants will never forget what we did to them.
713. Snickering groups of cops leering at female teenage protesters.
712. Amy Sohn's top-secret convention article ("I can't tell you more
or I will be scooped") was aboutçdrum rollçsex workers prepping
for the RNC. Way to go, Amy.
711. In reality, quite a large percentage of the city's independent prostitutes
710. And took their advertising with them.
709. No Logo author Naomi Klein in town to continue making a living
upon backs of real activists.
708. With Bush and Schwarzenegger in scoring
position, A-Rod grounds out weakly to short.
707. Jowly sadist Brit Hume complaining,
in that stentorian voice of his, about protesters using the "f-word."
706. Opening night of convention features
remarks by 9/11 relatives.
705. They didn't announce the 9/11 relatives
on the lineup until the last minute.
704. Having to listen to Rudy Giuliani compare Bush to Winston Churchill.
703. Opening night coverage on FoxNews channel interrupted by frequent
updates of voir dire proceedings in Kobe trial.
702. Bush's Monday afternoon "I don't think you can win it" remark about
the War on Terrorism a dead story by sundown.
701. Republican decision to advertise their use of "biodegradable" balloons
as embarrassing and transparent as BP's new green-friendly logo.
700. Chris Matthews quoting his Republican delegate brother: "[Kerry]
can't be elected president. He looks like a tree."
699. Republicans actually using mock elephant calls in lieu of gavel
to call delegates to order.
698. News media seeks out reaction of: Sexual Chocolate and the White
697. Filipino Siamese twins separated in New York on Day 1 of convention.
Bill O'reilly and Bono brought together there on Day 3.
696. Ron Reagan's hip tieless look.
695. RNC's "Live from New York, it's the Republican Convention!" SNL
spoof video intro like watching your mother get tag-teamed by hyenas.
694. Dennis Kucinich puts on makeup and a pearl choker, goes on The
O'reilly Factor disguised as Mary Matalin.
693. News media seeks out reaction of: Rosario Dawson.
692. The phrase, "Republicans sought to portray..."
691. The phrase, "Democrats countered..."
690. The cheery, cream-colored casual sport coats worn by Tom Brokaw
and Joe Scarborough on opening night.
689. The serious-as-cancer blue and gray suits worn by same on the night
of the finale.
688. Bob Costas finds that one elusive, bookish, chin-stroking "Aha!"
angle on the whole thing that everybody missed.
687. News media seeks out reaction of: Lynn Swann.
686. Ben-wa balls discovered on convention floor near Illinois delegation
go unclaimed despite repeated announcements by Convention Jockeys.
685. McCain speaking on Bush's behalf despite the fact that Bush's team
dubbed him a traitor in 2000, made insinuations about his wife's drug
use and allegedly circulated racist leaflets about his adopted Bangladeshi
audience consists entirely of soccer moms.
>683. Michael Moore stage-dives; 10 protestors hospitalized.
682. Incidents of juvenile delinquents
mugging tourists for athletic shoes outstripped by hipsters mugging delegates
for vintage polyester suits.
681. Wax ass on figure of Reagan at Madame
Tussauds completely kissed off.
680. Show-World displays own version of
679. Paul Wolfowitz eyes up ConEd, begins
laying intellectual groundwork for new energy company, NeoConEd.
678. The Garden's two jumbotron-style
screens flashing "THANK YOU NEW YORK" for days on end.
677. "Table" more verb than noun: "NYC
SOA Watch will be tabling in Washington Square Park on Saturday."
676. The NYC Host Committee's Vision Statement:
"New York City, with its unparalleled diversity, creativity and palpable
energy, is the most compelling stage for the Republican National Convention.
/ New York City, the world's gateway to freedom and opportunity, inspires
and embodies the American spirit, which was founded on entrepreneurialism,
freedom, liberty, patriotism, innovation, courage and optimism for a bright
675. So busy protesting, we missed the
Bennigan's grand opening at 47th & 8th.
674. All Arabs out of town, can't get
a decent couscous.
673. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 2:
Celebrity sea-monster couple Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon to address
Republican Youth Convention.
672. Sehorn won't get any tackles there, either.
671. Not for the first time, we envy the inhabitants of the world's peaceful
cities -- like Belgrade, and Kinshasa.
670. Loose local women sport-fucking delegates.
669. NYPD's policy of "take only photographs, leave only footprints"
unfortunately applied to protesters and their heads.
668. For the first time in New York City history, gay tourists not allowed
to act gay.
667. Village blues club Fat Black Pussycat renamed Freedom Black Pussycat.
666. Unsuspecting churchgoers can't handle their ecstasy at Avalon.
665. "Do you know where the Seinfeld diner is?"
664. Penn Station playing Toby Keith over loudspeaker instead of classical
663. Somehow, those crazy U.N. delegates don't seem so bad anymore.
662. Somehow, day-tripping Jersey families don't seem so bad anymore.
661. Somehow, having bamboo shoots driven under our fingernails, being
strapped to a lounge chair, forced to watch Sex and the City reruns
with a car battery attached to our genitals doesn't seem so bad anymore.
660. Longer line at Scores.
659. MSNBC tagline: "ReadyçSetçGOP"
658. Tom Brokaw still asymptomatic for anthrax.
657. Bloomberg telling us that unless you live within a few blocks of
the Garden, you won't know there's a convention going on.
656. Traffic cops clearly wish that jaywalking was cause for lethal force.
655. NYPD Robocop-prototype unveiling closed to public; white penguin
tux dinner to be co-hosted by Commissioner Kelly, Giuliani, Rumsfeld and
654. Convention overshadows Israel gold medal in windsurfing.
653. Ditto Rulon Gardner's retirement.
652. Our GPS-enabled subdermal microchip malfunctioned on Monday night,
placed us in the Garden during Giuliani's speech. Our inbox is now filled
with pro-life spam.
651. Greeks protest Powell's planned visit, get results. New Yorkers
protest RNC's planned visit -- to bemusement of Republican officials.
650. And their own mayor.
649. Fat suburbanite and Q104 DJ Zach Martin cries on the air like an
incontinent baby about being inconvenienced by protesters.
648. The Tick Tock Diner at 34th & 8th now called the Convention Diner.
647. RNC badges clash with power-blue shirts.
646. Macy's broadcasts Fox News on its Herald Square outdoor tv.
645. Ran into numerous former lovers at the protest.
644. With the Village Idiot closed, Brooks and Dunn may end up at our
643. Recent poll placed Jeb Bush as the favorite choice of current
Republicans for 2008.
642. With Jeb Bush in New York, chance that Jeb Bush will be swept
away by Hurricane Frances is reduced to almost zero.
641. Authorities hire the Fuji blimp as an "alternative intelligence-gathering
640. We just know those guys up there are sneaking peaks down our girlfriend's
639. Poor olı Fuji blimp ain't never gonna be the same.
638. BladeRunner looking more like documentary every day.
637. Republican organizers asked the city to take Naked Boys Singing!
off its official tourism website.
636. The city responded by taking the show off its list of discounted
theater productions for delegates.
635. Our gay cousin's big break in Naked Boys Singing! goes unnoticed.
634. As part of their deal with New York City to bring the convention
here, the Republicans sought and obtained $2.2 million in public money
to pay for 56 parties for state and local delegations.
633. They sought an additional $2.4 million for media, volunteer and
hotel staff parties.
632. And a million for decorations, which include:
631. One hundred and twenty fucking thousand red, white and blue balloons.
630. Estimated total cost of convention to New York: $165 million.
629. Money could have actually been spent on a Fan Appreciation/Free
DVD Player Day at Shea.
628. Amount of cuts in subsidized state child care proposed by California
governor and Day Two speaker Arnold Schwarzenegger: $165 million
627. Mayor Bloomberg: "Assuming I get re-elected, I will try very hard
to get both Republican and Democratic conventions in four years."
626. Bloomberg personally contributed $7 million to the RNC.
625. Ergo: Reasonable to expect the same in 2008.
624. At this rate, he'll go broke in the year 3064.
The P.A.'s Line of Defense
623. The Port Authority's "anti-terror truck," designed to "detect weapons
of mass destruction" was proudly declared the "only one of its kind."
NY1 profiled the truck: "Everything in the vehicle is a normal police
suburban, but once they put all the radiation equipment in it, they hardwire
it into the normal police siren," said Port Authority Special Operations
Officer Michael Warnock.
NY1 then ran clear footage of the truck, complete with shots of the "hard-wired"
equipment. It's number 53870; the license plate is 59800.
(By the way, guys, the Magical Fairy from the Super Duper Bad-People-Catching
Squad in the Land of Imaginary Mechanical Band Aids called: He wants his
expensive minivan back.)
According to Ed Gillespie, the entertainers scheduled to appear "reflect
the broad appeal of President George W. Bush." They are:
618. Michael W. Smith
617. Daniel Rodriguez
616. Daize Shayne
615. The Gatlin Brothers
614. Elisabeth Hasselbeck
613. Sara Evans
612. Dana Glover
611. Ron Silver (yes, that Ron Silver)
610. Choppers creating hellish audio hallucinations while on acid.
609. Like L.A., we will soon be dealing with choppers all the time.
608. TV executives don't give a shit about what anyone is actually saying.
607. Shameless GOP pandering for crucial Williamsburg vote.
606. Pedicab drivers ordered to outfit bikes with some sort of fossil-fuel-burning
605. "Shove it" versus "Go fuck yourself" argument between Teresa Heinz
and Dick Cheney not caught on-camera.
604. The arrival of Karl Rove's partial-birth deformed head reminds us
of our own physical imperfections.
603. City's "media to non-working media ratio" raised to uncomfortable
602. Fashionable anti-Bush sentiment will soon no longer be fashionable.
601. We still don't know how to spell "koom-bay-ya."
600. Indymedia people getting a little too big for their britches.
599. Friends and colleagues who leave town and say goodbye like they're
never going to see you again.
598. We wish that was true.
597. Taxpayer-funded therapy for delegates at St. Vincent Catholic Medical
Centers, where Dr. Spencer Eth, the centersı medical director of behavioral
health, said: "Many of the people at the convention are coming from far
away and probably haven't been exposed to this level of security. We expect
that even if there isn't an incident from a protester or a terrorist,
[delegates] are going to be more anxious as a result of being aware of
596. American flag in the shape of America behind podium at RNC.
595. Ghost of Patrick Ewing either unable or unwilling to fart during
Bush's acceptance speech.
594. Comparisons to 1968.
593. Massive injection of White Christianity into Manhattan may make
non-Latino residents start thinking about God.
592. 3000 WTC dead unable to protest Bush's ineptitude or his subsequent
stonewalling of 9/11 Commission.
591. Having to decide whether you're with them or against them.
590. Todd Gitlin masturbating over the fact that the Whole World Is Watching.
589. River Navigation Commission forced to change acronym.
587. Breaking non-news from the convention floor.
586. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe calling
Zell Miller "Zig-Zag Zell," instead of calling him "dickhead traitor to
his party and his country."
585. This is the moment Miller has been waiting for all his life.
584. Urge to offer wrong directions to visiting delegates makes us feel
583. Total media blackout of everything else in the world.
582. Bearded Wahhabi Muslims bent on hellish destruction of America made
to feel even more uncomfortable reading the Koran on the subway.
581. Burlesque variety show production of My Pet Goat didn't
live up to expectations.
580. Mind-numbing, all-consuming scripted pseudo-event universally accepted
as the "political Superbowl."
579. Delegates from Idaho spotting George Lopez on the streets 50 times
578. Cheering, stomping delegates register 4.3 on the Richter scale.
577. This hasn't happened at a Knicks game since 1994.
576. "Attack" Democrats readying machine-gun belts of rapid-response
press releases nobody will read.
575. Bush Twins activate!
574. ...Form of a budding socialite fearful of losing her allowance.
573. ...Shape of future society scandal bearing the scars of three abortions
and the stink of her father's evil.
572. Fearful that Moroccan stamp in our passport makes us an enemy of
571. ...When actually it just means we're upwardly mobile gay pedophiles.
570. Bearded, America-hating United for Peace and Justice organizers
can't appreciate how much work goes into maintaining a nice lawn.
569. GOP operatives in furry dolphin suits meant to represent Kerry's
568. "Dol-fun" title pun on Lloyd Grove's write-up of the suits.
567. Thousands of gallons of gas consumed, tons of CO2 expended during
hours of extended midtown gridlock.
566. "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"
"War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"
"War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"
"War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"...
565. Laura Bush's blank stare may rip what scientists call a "vapidity
wormhole" in the fabric of the universe, sucking the city and most of
the tri-state area into timeless void of nothingness.
564. Millions of "Bush Lied" stickers -- everywhere, forever, on everything.
563. Having to confront Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph
Bruno's jet-black rug while he dodges questions about terrorism by talking
about preparing for "the weather."
562. The mayor telling us to buck up, it won't be so bad.
561. Billionaires for Bush growing more tiresome by the nanosecond.
560. New York Press distribution reduced by 45 percent...
559. ...Circulation Dept. reports zero complaints.
558. Dennis Miller certain to make Cat Stevens-protestor joke.
557. Due to overly scripted nature of event, Henry Kissinger unable to
plot last-minute nomination of Gerald Ford for vice president.
556. Milton Glaser's plan to protest by turning on the city's many light
555. Exposed pit hair.
554. Crackpot paranoids don't seem so crackpot, not so paranoid.
553. The Brown Bunny is totally gonna be sold out all week.
552. Elizabeth Dole allowed to lecture nation.
551. The help suddenly has excuses for being late.
550. Patriotic Hummer limos.
549. Almost makes you wish the Republicans had just picked some island
in the Atlantic.
548. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 3: Noted young person Andy Card to
be a key speaker at the Bush youth convention.
547. When it's over, Bloomberg will still have no clout in Washington.
546. Tom Ridge could get drunk and falsely declare major attack on city,
thus delegitimizing whole color-coded alert system.
545. It's virtually impossible to find Waldo.
544. Wilford Brimley hiding in shadows with insurance pitch.
543. Craigslist New York City sublets section a total mess.
542. No one wanted to rent our apartment for the week.
541. New Yorkers forced to bet against themselves in terror pools.
540. Tom Clancy joke remains elusive.
539. Pat Buchanan not on hand to go completely apeshit about the culture
538. Rob Reiner watching convention on eight different television sets
simultaneously, shouting orders to Moveon's NYC HQ from Beverly Hills.
537. Everybody spelling history with a capital "H."
536. Wolf Blitzer reasserts seriousness; gives beard extra precision
535. NYU students inconvenienced.
534. But not enough.
533. Woody Allen dragged out as shorthand for liberal, neurotic city
as counterpoint to rugged type-A red-state confidence.
532. Price of helipads tripled overnight.
531. Times Square military recruitment center suddenly fits right in.
530. Liberal, secular, diverse city implicitly asked to question its
values by whitebread Creationist freaks.
529. Instances of she-male prostitute-client misunderstandings at all-time
528. Angry and fearful local Arab/Muslim population forced to watch
protests and detonate bombs from privacy of own homes.
527. Our lost reputation when no visiting delegate is brutally attacked
and robbed in the manner in which we New Yorkers are so eminently capable...
526. ...Even worse, Christian Defense Fund is vindicated for Aug. 27 candlelight
vigil in front of Madison Square Garden, in which God was asked to provide
"protection and safety" for the city of New York.
525. You don't need candles in New York, you nitwits.
524. Unless, that is, the Republicans cause another blackout.
523. Having to carry two new forms of ID to get past the security checkpoints.
522. The suspicion that we'll be carrying two new forms of ID for a long
521. Britney Spears -- a "pro-Bush celebrity" -- endowed with the capacity
520. Spears invited to sing at Bush's political party bash at the Garden.
519. Her invitation invites inevitable protests from something called
the Illinois Family Institute, which is concerned about Spearsı influence
on family values.
518. Illinois Family Institute indifferent, however, to shitty quality
of Britney's music.
The Tomato War
517. "Kerry Flip-Flops" stickers in shape
and style of Heinz ketchup label.
516. "W Ketchup" featured at convention's
Grand Old marketPlace memorabilia at Hilton.
515. Heinz Ketchup reduced to posting
desperate loyalty oaths on its website.
514. Irony of election reduced to battle
of dueling ketchup brands lost on absolutely everybody.
513. Increased opium production in Afghanistan
allows local junkies to nod out right through convention, missing out
on a valuable chance to learn about American government and get involved
in the political process.
512. Local left-wing intellectuals risk
acquiring lifelong stammer.
511. Chinatown completely oblivious.
510. Kurt Loder.
509. David Brooks encouraged to speak
directly into mic.
508. Who will remember the children? And
do they even know it's Christmas?
507. Having to watch Pataki act like
a national player and demurely field flattering questions about his presidential
aspirations while reading Bush talking points about how terrorists "hate
506. Three years later, we still don't have
a better explanation than, "They hate us for our freedom."
505. Plunging necklines on Republican female power suits don't plunge
504. Joyce Purnick reflects.
503. Rangersı 1978-79 playoff division championship banner removed from
502. GOP cigar exemptions from smoking ban.
501. Chris Matthews more likely to spit when he talks.
500. Tight schedule and security situation make it difficult for delegates
to spend much time volunteering with local AIDS patients.
499. Iraq as an "accomplishment."
498. Invite-only parties likely to result in hurt feelings.
497. All that Republican sewage introduced to the water table.
496. Ted and Shemane Nugent allowed entry.
495. Some local RNC volunteers likely to grow attached to guests and
return with them to their home states, creating brain drain and hurting
494. Heightened expectations not fair to Onion staff.
493. Area film-school students suddenly all have the same idea; protest
footage shot; miles of film stock wasted.
492. With the sheriff in town, the evildoers are sure to burrow even
further into their freedom-hating subterranean networks of terror.
491. "Party animal" puns.
490. Young Republican party animals.
489. National Guard jarheads striking tough poses with their M-16s outside
Soho Victoria's Secret.
488. Press conferences featuring "Top Cop" Ray Kelly looking like an
Irish Nazi after starting a new life in Buenos Aires.
487. Bloomberg still trying to pretend that this was all a very good
486. Treating Critical Mass bike protesters like they're a threat
to anything but a bowl of vegan stir-fry.
485. News coverage making Derek Jeter jealous.
484. President's official blog taking longer to load than usual.
483. Disabled delegates unaware of Rudy's war against wheelchair-accessible
482. Taxi Driver nerds talking into mirror more than usual.
481. High risk of finding a Republican in random buddy booth.
480. Exultant coming-out party of The Daily Show as a major mainstream
479. "Life After Capitalism" seminar participants crossing the street
after a day of meetings to investigate sale on black t-shirts at 34th
478. Missile Dick Chicks just a big tease.
477. Artists getting their bearded, obedient boyfriends to take pictures
of "interactive public art projects" for use as illustrations in future
476. Sixteenth year of bad Bush puns.
475. Early October press release from the mayor's office about amount
of business this brought to New York.
474. Scheduled somber visits to Ground Zero at which tears will be
473. Cameras there to record this.
472. Despite high concentration of cops in midtown, skate punks still
unable to break into WTC site.
471. "Irony" of The Manchurian Candidate being in theaters at
this particular time.
470. "Now that I've protested, Iım sure Iım on a list somewhere!"
469. "Me too! I wonder if we'll have trouble flying now!"
468. Kobe Bryant coverage pushed aside during a crucial juncture in the
467. Groups with ominous, Neuromancer-inspired names like "A31"
concocting elaborate plans to get arrested.
466. Aging lesbians teaching earnest young people "how to go limp" in
protest practice sessions.
465. Police captains foaming at the mouth to use a Pentagon-approved
"non-lethal weapons" like the ear-splitting "sound cannon," which has
been used "to good effect" in Iraq.
464. All those bomb-sniffing dogs that could have had better lives
in the country somewhere.
463. Supposedly savvy NY1 "Inside City Hall" host referring to GOP as
462. Women's group, Axis of Eve, flashes underwear to protest policies
of President Bush.
461. Quote from Elizabeth Eve, of Axis of Eve, on group's origins:
"I was teaching a class on imperialismçand I was getting all worked up
and upset, and all of a sudden, all I wanted to do was flash my underwear!
It was crazy!"
460. It all happened so fast, Norman Solomon missed his big chance
459. The "Politics aside, we're all buddies here" feel of mixed Democrat-Republican
analysis panels on TV.
458. GOP site gives instructions on how delegates can find cheap tickets
457. Inevitable quirky NPR piece about New Jersey inventor who needs
just two weeks of tinkering in a garage to develop neat-looking color
LCD protest placard with changeable slogans.
456. Rodney King denied prime-time speaking slot -- again.
455. Bernard Kerik enraged by tepid applause as he turns podium over
to Labor Secretary Elaine Chao.
454. Satan powerless to stop Christian singer Michael Smith from grabbing
453. Hacker-mag 2600 editor Emmanuel Goldstein still not grown
out of his pseudonym -- and still croaking hysterical warnings to credulous
452. At least 600,000 t-shirts to be dug up 20 years from now in ruins
of bitter, sexless, once-progressive marriages.
451. "Remember when we fucked in Central Park during the 2004 protest?
What happened to us, honeybuns?"
450. NYCLU director Donna Lieberman's phone ringing off the hook all
weekend for the first time since... Well, for the first time.
449. Ray Kelly emboldened by media attention to use the word "obfuscate"
at press conference.
448. Daily News and Post photographers dispatched in search
of Lenin t-shirts.
447. Dan Rather too afraid to shout "Show us your tits!" during Convention
speech of youth-abstinence icon, Miss America 2003 Erika Howard.
446. Howard to address nation on importance of being nice and the
cuteness of kittens.
445. Howard has been campaigning on the "African-American Empowerment
Tour" to recruit black Republicans. She was joined on the tour by Don
444. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 4: Ari Fleischer suspends important work
coaching little league in Connecticut to address kids.
443. On display at "Freedom Salon" activist gallery: artist A.A. Bronson's
large color photograph of himself hanging naked upside down, "an image
of powerlessness and humiliation."
442. Sheeplike, America responds to convention with five-point bounce
441. Elderly black bus driver just barely has time to read Sports
Illustrated in quiet contentment in Queens parking lot before Maine
delegation of A.N.S.W.E.R. protesters returns triumphant and ready for
the long drive back.
440. Rumors that Dick Cheney will step down.
439. Prove to be just that.
438. Bush leads in the polls anyway.
437. Lynyrd Skynyrd and Boy George duking it out in nearly simultaneous
pro- and anti-Bush "where are they now?" club appearances.
436. "Revitalized" Times Square means no chance Shepard Smith will be
beaten to death after Saturday-night gloryhole warmup.
MEANWHILE, IN IRAQ
435. Newsweek reporter Howard Fineman,
citing interviews with Bush advisor Karen Hughes, report the Bush speech
will attempt to argue the Iraq war was "the ultimate expression of compassionate
434. As he makes this touching case, America
fails to notice as cities like Bakubah, Fallujah and Ramadi fall completely
into the hands of emboldened anti-American fundamentalist coalitions.
433. According to the Guardian,
not a single American reporter traveled to cover the violence in Najaf
in the week before the convention.
432. More than 1000 Iraqis -- insurgents
and civilians -- killed in Najaf alone since beginning of August. The U.S.
reports 11 dead.
431. Quote from U.S. soldier about battle
tactics in urban Najaf: "When we take fire, we just usually light it up."
430. Widespread reports from international
press of dogs feeding on corpses in Najaf.
429. A week before the convention, 60
international and local journalists were arrested in the new, "democratic"
Iraq reporting news of Ayatollah al-Sistani's arrival in Najaf without
428. The police chief who ordered those
arrests, Ghalib al-Jazaeıri, was a former Baıathist official.
The Helpful Hints
427. New York
magazine's "Pick a Protest!" barometer graphic.
426. This guy's scarf --
-- and earnestness --
-- and if he marched all the way from the DNC to the RNC (as the photo caption
indicated), how did he keep his whites so white?
Love From D.C.
Florida delegates posted a notice at their hotel asking for donations
to the Hurricane Charley relief fund.
But, according to the Voice, Florida will get so-called "hazard
mitigation" funding from the government for Charley, in the form of an
additional percentage of whatever FEMA spends on the disaster.
"Hazard mitigation" is designed to fund future prevention in disaster
sites. Florida is going to get an extra 15 percent. New York only got
five percent after 9/11.
Guess which state is a swing state.
New York still ranks 50th per capita in bioterrorism funding.
According to congressman Anthony Weiner, the Bush administration has stiffed
New York out of $2.5 billion in mandated No Child Left Behind funds.
Bush originally promised the city $6.6 billion in education funds when
he signed the law to great fanfare.
He quietly changed his mind a few weeks later in a budget proposal submitted
Name for city security mission, "Operation Atlas," succinctly expresses
idea of policemen carrying weight of Republican self-interest on their
A month after 9/11, Bush visited P.S. 130 with Pataki and Giuliani, posed
for photos and led students in the Pledge of Allegiance.
Less than a year later, Pataki announced budget cuts that would slash
funding for P.S. 130 disproportionately, because it was "in drastic need
In other words, the Republicans cut even more funding for poor schools
than for well-off ones.
As Iraq burns, New York Times sponsors tickets for more than 13,000
delegates and guests of the convention to attend eight Broadway shows.
410. Quote from NYC COO Maureen Reidy
about the free tix: "For one night, thousands of delegates...will experience
the magic that has touched millions."
409. Child prostitutes harder to find.
408. Inevitable marriage of countless hours of
MNN and Amy Goodman.
407. News media seeks out reaction of: Danny
406. For the first time ever, George Steinbrenner not in the top one
million irritating people in New York.
405. Iraq lies somberly parroted by unsmiling anchormen with eight-figure
404. Rash of babies named "Che" born nine months from now.
403. Inevitable appearance of "liberated," veil-free Afghani woman at
convention; she goes on stage for five minutes and is rewarded with drink
tickets and a filing job at a Maryland HUD office.
402. John McCain staring at Cheney throughout convention, praying
for his heart to explode.
401. Above does not happen.
400. Midwestern delegates calling home to tell family about the "real
New York cheesecake" they had at Lindy's.
399. Unavoidable tribute to Ronald Reagan.
398. Everybody on both sides draped in the flag.
397. New Jersey unveils hotline for citizens to report suspicious
396. New Jersey Attorney General Peter Harvey, announcing said hotline,
does B-movie Churchill impersonation: "We must transform fear into vigilance."
395. Police to wear wireless helmet videocams during protests: technology
developed by www.ifuckedamannequin.com.
394. Four days of wall-to-wall primetime coverage just means a longer
wait for the network television premiere of Swimfan.
393. Lavish post-convention party at the Water Club hosted by evil
Swiss pharmaceutical company Novartis on Thursday night.
392. Novartis among leading producers of toxic medicines that don't
391. News media seeks out reaction of: Stephen Baldwin.
390. Masks temporarily against the law, even for ugly people.
389. Bloomberg offers theater and restaurant discounts to demonstrators
willing to wear buttons that read "peaceful protester."
388. Temp jobs would've done a lot more good.
387. Eric Alterman continues to give beards everywhere a bad name.
386. A women's peace group called "Code Pink" invites people to "sponsor
a goddess," i.e., pay for a female protester to come to New York.
385. NY1 "GOP Delegates Take in the City" segments.
384. Endless parade of "Republicans enter belly of the beast" newspaper
383. Republicans won't have to lie much about John Kerry.
382. News media seeks out reaction of: Ron Silver.
381. "Bush is Nixon" buttons, which reinforce oppressive 60s paradigm
that long ago stopped making sense.
380. Federal government kicks in extra $50 million for NYC security during
convention after years of withholding allocated Homeland Security funds
for the city in general.
379. Adoring New York fans robbed of chance to personally meet Tom
Ridge, who has declined to appear this week.
378. Maybe he knows something we don't.
376. Cuts in federal COPS programs by "Law and Order" party left New
York with 5879 fewer cops than in 2000.
375. No normal tourists in town.
374. News media seeks out reaction of: Bo Dietl.
373. Never a better time to go on a crime spree in Gravesend.
372. Afraid to make eye contact with cops.
371. Can't make a late-night tampon run to the Duane Reade at 34th
& 8th without being hassled.
370. Can't make a late-night condom run to the Duane Reade at 34th
& 8th without being hassled.
369. Candy Crowley asking once, twice, three times, four times for more,
more, more mustard and onions on her hot dogs.
368. Lincoln Tunnel a mess until at least next Saturday.
367. Terry McAuliffe flies into town and praises his own media counterattack
apparatus: "I like to use a sledgehammer when a scalpel will do."
366. Marc Racicot to be singled out of crowd during broadcast of Andy
365. He'll be sitting next to Chloe Sevigny.
364. Or your ex-girlfriend.
363. Rush Limbaugh in town; OxyContin scarce.
362. Wall Street Journal temporarily appropriated as the voice
of Middle America.
361. The best week of ad sales in the history of the New York Sun.
360. Ray Charles can't be here to help legitimize the party of Trent
359. Trent Lott not here to alienate 70 percent of viewing audience.
358. Democrat officials like Terry McAuliffe frantically distancing themselves
from antiwar protesters.
357. BUSH LIED 900+ DIED: Symbols of war dead in various protests
only count American soldiers killed.
356. Inevitable mainstream news media undercount of protester numbers.
355. News media seeks out reaction of: Dixie Chicks.
354. Log Cabin Republicans upset to find out they're just metrosexuals.
353. Tucker Carlson.
352. Margaret Carlson.
351. Beltway Republicans bragging about their Dupont Circle duplexes.
350. Angry protester who thinks Kerry's first order of business will
be to free Tibet and Mumia.
349. Jeb Bush showing off his Spanish with the cleaning help at his hotel.
348. Older men in trucker hats angered by younger men in trucker hats;
fights break out.
347. To surprise of everyone, Janeane Garofalo and David Cross have something
to say about out-of-towners.
The Convention Jockeys
346. RNC chair Ed Gillespie and CEO Bill Harris announce "Convention Jockeys,"
a multicultural group of brainless emcees who move through the crowd blathering
"Convention Jockeys are a new program feature that will make this convention
truly unique. The CJs will set the tone and tell the great stories of
our partyç By having jockeys reporting from throughout the arena and from
coast to coast, the nation will see the broad and diverse support for
President Bush and his vision for a safer world and a more hopeful America."
The "Convention Jockeys" have their own "label": Liberty Records.
Convention Jockey #1: Christine Iverson
Convention Jockey #2: Mercedes Viana Schlapp
Convention Jockey #3: Rori Patrise Smith
Convention Jockey #4: Tara Wall
Convention Jockey #5: Yohana de la Torre
Fourth-rate street theater that wouldn't earn a dime on the 1 train masquerading
as meaningful political opposition, to wit:
Toy "cloudbuster" gun aimed in general direction of Bush administration
officials to release their repressed "orgone" sexual energy.
Serious, Ted-Hughes-reading college students in Diesel cords carrying
mock coffins through the streets.
Lines of people carrying mock pink slips and marching down Wall Street.
Groups of fearsome lit students holding readings of the Iliad -- the
"greatest anti-war story ever written" -- to protest the Iraq war.
The Church of Stop Shopping gathers at Ground Zero to jointly recite lines
from the First Amendment into their cellphones.
All-day anti-Bush watergun fight held at Sheep's Meadow.
Billionaires for Bush "coronation ball" for "King" George Bush II.
The Village Voice strikes radical pose even though its primary
investor is Goldman Sachs, one of George W. Bush's top contributors.
Oh, and their editor-in-chief is a conservative, geriatric tabloid veteran.
The Village Voice's RNC guide was clearly sold to advertisers as
being read by delegates and Republican visitors -- not just protesters.
Impossible to tell if Village Voice article "Radical Chic: What
to Wear on Sunday" was a joke.
New York Observer unable to resist "They're heeere" lede.
TimeOut New York editor and well-to-do, white asshole Howard Halle
describing Mike Wallace as "rich, white asshole" in RNC editorial.
Bush straddles missile, Dr. Strangelove-style, on cover of Voice.
A big elephant poops on cover of TimeOut.
Bloomberg poses with an elephant on cover of New York.
John Buffalo Mailer gets New York cover by interviewing his daddy
over the kitchen table in Nantucket.
New York Sun and New York Post both publish daily arrest
tallies -- which mean whatever you want them to mean.
The New York Observer's straight-faced society coverage of the
RNC -- like a Gotham Hall event described as "the convention event
for the under-40 crowd."
318. Elephant hats.
Elephants made of clay.
Elephant beanie babies.
Elephant bobble heads.
Discomfiting press releases, such as:
308. "Yoko Ono, Lou Reed, Chuck D Join
307. "Special events include: RANT 'tIL YOU
CAN't an evening of political screed; a LATE NIGHT KERRY-OKE SESSION;
SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY: A BI-PARTISAN AFFAIR, a night of crossing over
306. "Margaret Cho Sells Out Apollo, Adds Second Show"
305. Joe Piscopo plays a concert for Republican Massachusetts Governor
Mitt Romney and his delegates.
304. Piscopo is "a lifelong Democrat."
303. Raytheon, Liberty Mutual, the MassMutual Financial Group and
Fidelity Investments are hosting the party at which Piscopo plays.
302. It's a clambake.
301. Visitors at impressionist Childe Hassam exhibit at the Met interrupted
by PepsiCo roast held there in honor of Bill Frist.
300. Bristol Myers Squibb throws nightclub bash for Bush campaign
manager Ken Mehlman and campaign chairman Marc Racicot.
299. The Bush administration has repeatedly bullied countries like
South Africa into buying Bristol Myers Squibb AIDS drugs at inflated prices.
298. Delegates suspect cabbie hangout is al Qaeda terrorist cell; 888-SAFE-NYS
297. Even more people mispronouncing "Houston."
296. Influx of delegates causes massive sincerity surge, prompting city
to tap into irony reservoirs in Williamsburg.
295. Bloggers with audiences of 13 dutifully reporting minute-by minute
accounts from the back of the press section.
294. Number of bloggers of RNC official press corps: seven.
293. Number of articles about bloggers of RNC official press corps:
292. Ashcroft suspects half of incoming Columbia freshmen for having
links to terrorism.
291. Ashcroft pressures Arlene's Grocery to cancel French Kicks concert.
290. Birth defects later traced to patchouli fumes.
289. Claim by protester that "Bush is a fuckhead" fails to sway undecided
288. Kissinger can't find a date at Lace.
287. Ed Koch tells us to "make nice."
286. United for Peace and Justice buckling under and agreeing to march
on the West Side Highway.
285. United for Peace and Justice turning around and saying, "No,
we won't march on the West Side Highway."
284. United for Peace and Justice, after being turned down by the
courts, whining, "If we can't rally in Central Park, well then we just
won't march at all." As if they thought that would work.
283. The mayor's attitude throughout the city's negotiations with
United for Peace and Justice.
282. The shrill, grating voice of Leslie Cagan, national coordinator
of United for Peace and Justice.
281. The Parks Dept.'s "you'll hurt the grass" excuse.
280. Removing the pigeons from the post office, not so they won't crap
on New Yorkers, but so they won't crap on delegates.
279. Repaving all the streets the delegates might possibly drive on,
to ensure a smooth and comfortable ride.
278. The claim on the part of RNC organizers that businesses within the
police perimeter "would not be inconvenienced."
277. That stupid fucking walkway.
276. The laminated checklist handed out to all cops to help them quickly
and easily identify "terrorists."
275. "I Love NY" radio spots encouraging delegates to visit the city's
274. The naked fat men of ACT UP.
273. Swift Boat Veterans for Truth advance-book our favorite Mature Asian
Hookers for Fiddy.
272. Flood of Guerilla News Network fake dollar "deception" bills threatens
to send economy into Argentina-like tailspin.
271. Jim Dyke and Terry McAuliffe going back and forth like 13-year-olds
about who has more "surprises" up their sleeve.
270. Farley Media Center complete with lounge, billiards and complimentary
grooming services for reporters, including haircuts, manicures, makeovers,
mini-facials and waxing.
269. The Justice Dept. opens a criminal investigation regarding internet
postings by Bush administration critics that list the names of Republican
268. Men in capes.
267. In the privacy of their voting booths during the primaries, Democrats
vote like Goldwater acolytes. Now the cameras are on them and it's like
they're ready to storm the Winter Palace.
266. Earnest young communists working so hard and so thanklessly to
distribute those free copies of Revolutionary Worker, you want
to buy them a milkshake or something.
265. But there's a huge line of overweight womyn carrying rattles
and whistles at the Cold Stone Creamery.
264. Cold Stone's ice cream sucks anyway.
263. 15,000 media members in Manhattan means national press apparatus
stretched perilously thin should a 12-year-old white girl in suburban
Utah be abducted after ballet class.
262. Dennis Miller teams up with newly hired correspondent Al Sharpton
to cover convention for CNBC.
261. Timely announcement that David Beckham and Posh Spice are expecting
260. According to numerous reports, the NYC Division of Parole has
informed parolees that they are not to enter Manhattan from Aug. 30 to
Sept. 3 except in the case of an authorized employment activity.
259. But you're welcome to come if you're a suburban pothead living
in your parentsı garage.
258. A University of Missouri study found that when test subjects were
reminded of their own mortality, they were more likely to be supportive
The Face (and Midriff) of Protest
257 . The rappelling protesters to face serious assault charges because
maladroit cop stepped through a skylight during the chase.
Rappellers complain to news media of overnight jail abuse, then emerge
the next day smiling and revved up for triumphant progressive sex.
The forward-facing ears and faux-Gregory-Peck forelock of rappelling
protester Cesar Maxit.
York City Host Committee 2004 Supporters
Altria Group Inc.
American International Group, Inc.
Mrs. Dawn Arnall
Atlantic Development Group, LLC
Bank of America
Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg
Bristol-Myers Squibb Company
Mr. Russell L. Carson
CB Richard Ellis
Cisco Systems, Inc.
Clear Channel Outdoor
Computer Horizons Corp.
Credit Suisse First Boston
Delta Air Lines, Inc.
Ernst & Young
Federalist Group LLC
Geller & Company
GFI Group Inc.
H.J. Kalikow LLC
Sonia and Paul Tudor Jones II
JP Morgan Chase & Company
Marie-Josïe and Henry R. Kravis
Mr. Carl H. Lindner
Jennifer and Marc Lipschultz
Marriott International, Inc.
Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation
Mr. Thomas E. McInerney
Merrill Lynch & Co., Inc.
Metropolitan Life Insurance Company
Monster Worldwide, Inc.
MSD Capital, L.P.
New Balance Athletic Shoe, Inc.
New York Stock Exchange, Inc.
Robert Plan Corporation
Mr. David Rockefeller
Rudin Management Company, Inc.
SG Cowen & Co.
Mr. Paul E. Singer
Mr. Alex G. Spanos
State Street Foundation
The Bank of New York
The Blackstone Group
The Coca-Cola Company
The Hearst Corporation
The Lefrak Organization
The New York Life Insurance Company
The New York Times
The Walt Disney Company
Tishman Speyer Properties
Waste Management, Inc.
Willkie, Farr & Gallagher
176. Somewhere downtown, Jenna Bush is getting slammed by some dimwitted
B-list television celebrity -- and it's not us.
Somewhere uptown, Barbara Bush is getting slammed by some well-connected
Yale graduate -- and it's not us.
Barbara's handjobs not the same with Secret Service agent present.
Jenna forbidden by Secret Service to swallow non-Republican semen.
172. "During the RNC, Meet PETA's Presidential Candidate, Chris P. Carrotç
[H]e pledges to put a plump TofurkyĦ in every pot!"
the Things You'll See
Makeshift percussion instruments.
Anglo moms carrying kids in peasant-style bundles.
Anglo dads carrying kids in peasant-style bundles.
Home-made press passes.
Stickers on asses.
Red, white and blue tie-dyes.
Hairy, jiggly arms.
But no kazoos.
153. This guy's pirate hat.
This guy's backup pirate hat.
Hagiographic "the inner turmoil of a heavy-hearted leader" Time
convention cover story by egregious hacks Nancy Gibbs and John Dickerson.
Charles Krauthammer's nuke-ıem-'til-they-glow pro-Bush editorial in that
same Time issue.
Time's opposing viewpoint written by the Washington General of
liberals, Michael Kinsley.
We can't carry drugs in the Hot Zone.
We can't buy drugs in the Hot Zone.
We can't do drugs in the Hot Zone.
Recent George Will column, addressing choice of convention site, enthusiastically
speculates on effects of dirty and nuclear bombs on New York. "As many
as one in every 100 Manhattanites might develop cancerç Perhaps even more
people would die in the panic."
144. The Will column is based upon
a blistering indictment of George W. Bush by nuclear terrorism expert
Graham Allison, yet Will twists it to argue Bush's advantage on the issue.
143. Speaking of destroying New York, Cheney
and Rumsfeld launched careers in the Nixon White House, who described
his feelings for us this way in 1972: "Goddamn New Yorkç Jews and Catholics
and blacks and Puerto Ricans. [There is a] law of the jungle where some
things don't survive. Maybe New York shouldn't survive. Maybe it should
go through a cycle of destruction."
142. Democratsı "Mission Not Accomplished" tagline neither as funny nor
clever as they think.
141. Newsweek's Jonathan Alter previews the convention by celebrating
Republican saber-rattling in advance: "Democrats are never quite able
to close the toughness gap."
140. Even Slate unable to miss the essence of the supposedly antagonistic
New York Timesı Sunday lead story about Bush: "[Its] newsless softness
makes a perfect convention welcome mat."
139. New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg sent antlered moose hats so that the
state's delegates could wear them as they cast votes for George Bush.
138. John McCain previews upcoming speech with painful false modesty:
"And obviously I say, with mammoth ego, I have some people out there that
would like to see me talk, also."
137. McCain, on his future plans, again joking unsuccessfully: "Emperor
has always appealed to me."
136. Pre-convention story reporting that Justice Department had once
again rebuffed a request for documents about Bush's National Guard service
goes almost unreported in national media.
135. Presence of former Bush general counsel Ben Ginsberg, who resigned
last week in the wake of revelations he counseled anti-Kerry Swift Boat
134. New York Post story, "Hypocrisy, thy name is Kerry," blasts
Dem candidate for refusing to disavow 527s.
133. That Post story fails to mention that Bush himself supported
527s when he ran in 2000.
132. Days before convention, Bush campaign chairman argues, with a straight
face, that poor economic data is misleading because "we're in exceptionally
good shape in comparison with [previous] recessions."
131. Bush Southeastern Campaign Coordinator Ralph Reed can't find an
empty pew on the N train.
130. Inconvenienced delegates add more straightforward elevator system
at the Guggenheim to party platform, eliminating windy ramp.
129. Spate of news articles already setting up Hillary Clinton-Rudy Giuliani
contest in 2008, providing unpleasantly relevant backdrop to otherwise
bogus New York event.
128. Buffalo natives Wolf Blitzer, Tim Russert and Vincent Gallo all
have big weeks posing as native New Yorkers for credulous visiting Middle
127. Bill Clinton lurking somewhere uptown, having wide-eyed protester
chicks washed and brought to his tent, two at a time.
126. And we envy the hell out of him for it.
125. Barack Obama praying for big Bush bounce to set up 2008 run.
124. Hillary Clinton doing the same.
123. Alan Keyes too busy with Illinois senate race to lecture nation
on the Jeffersonian nature of the democracy aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.
122. Another week passes without Alan Keyes admitting that his comeback
is a Daily Show spoof, leading to terrifying suspicion that it's
actually all true.
121. Russell Simmons cancels protest of Rockefeller laws at last minute.
120. War on Drugs not mentioned as an issue even once in four days
119. More canned political drama, less actual suspense than any of the
Soviet Party congresses -- even the ones from the Brezhnev era.
118. Launch of LL Cool J's new clothing line, "James Todd Smith," completely
117. Brouhaha allows U.S. Men's Olympic basketball team to slither back
into country unnoticed.
116. Confident expression of two-party consensus sold to public as violent
contest of political extremes.
115. Headline to New York Times graphic depicting map of political
donors by party in Manhattan: "For Politics, Money and Donors All Over
114. ...and the map appears not to show any donors at all above 100th
113. USPS delays mail for security reasons.
112. Bedsheet banners.
111. Hey hey, ho hoçYour tired, trite-ass sloganeering has got to go.
110. Truck traffic held, including grocery and beer deliveries.
109. Streets flooded with oily civil rights lawyers trolling for higher-profile
108. Having to imagine what sort of atrocities are taking place behind
all those hotel room doors.
107. FBI interviews would-be protesters.
106. No Ross Perot.
105. New Yorkers who complain about the inconvenience, but who ultimately
don't mind being randomly scrutinized, searched and questioned because
"it makes them feel safer."
104. James Baker spotted at Cafe Arbat in Brighton Beach drawing dotted
lines on map of Caspian Sea with Solntsevo gang lieutenants.
103. Anti-Republican editorials aside, New York Times says: "Let's
102. Pope too frail to make universally ignored convention-week plea
for world peace.
101. Dennis and Penny Tooley, delegate and alternate delegate from Oregon,
are "sure that the city will seem as alien to us as Mars," but they'll
"worry about that later."
100. Republican National Committee reports a "Percentage Increase of
Ethnically Diverse Delegates between the 2000-2004 National Conventions."
99. Newly unemployed, Sarah Jessica Parker has more time to do secretarial
work for Susan Sarandon.
98. Sarandon now has more time to talk publicly.
97. Massholes at Boston Globe needle New Yorkers for fleeing convention.
96. Bush administration-backed coup in Venezuela (April 2002) like it
95. Dozens of official and unofficial "Guides to the Republican National
Convention" for delegates/natives/press/visitors/protestors.
94. Reminders about New York's diversity, like this representative nugget
in the Sunday Times
: "The coexistence of a wide variety of people
is one of the most striking features of life in New York."
The Merch Table
93. -2004 Republican National Convention Official Program: $12
-2004 Republican National Convention Painterly Poster: $25
91. -2004 Republican National Convention Skyline Poster: $5.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Cap: $19.98
-NYC 2004 Cap: $19.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Commemorative Coin: $16.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Key: $19.98
86. -2004 Republican National Convention Money Clip: $20.98
-Presidential Inauguration Coin: $16.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Bush/Cheney Button: $3.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Deluxe Magnet: $3.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Key Chain: $12.98
-NYC Host Committee 2004 Deluxe Magnet: $3.98
-NYC Host Committee 2004 Magnet: $2.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Deluxe Pin: $3.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Official ¨Cameraı Media Pin: $3.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Official ¨Fedoraı Media Pin: $3.98
-2004 Republican National Convention Pin: $11.98
-Official Volunteer Lapel Pin: $4.98
74. The flood of wire-service photographs shot from this angle.
Apparent Velcro sneaker revival.
the World Turns
No mention of Clear Skies Act on any major network for the entire week.
No mention of Healthy Forests Restoration Act.
No mention of increased mercury emissions from coal-fired electric plants.
No mention of pollution-trading as part of Bush's "market-based" environmental
solutions, or explanation of what that means.
No examination of preposterous assertions in Republican positions, like
the contention that acid rain will be "virtually eliminated" by Bush environmental
No in-depth examination of any issues at all: just speeches, personalities,
human-interest angles, protest clashes and quirky New York features.
with Your Hero?
66. NYPD and FDNY think anyone besides their wives care about the raises
they haven't gotten.
Yet when they demonstrate in front of the Garden --
-- and invoke Sept. 11 for the millionth fucking time --
-- they expect us to care --
-- when a few weeks later they will arrest 264 for riding their bikes --
-- and hundreds more for protesting matters less petty than paychecks.
in the U.S.A.
Shrill tabloid paranoia over "the anarchist threat."
People who believe the anarchist threat is real.
Ray Kelly believes the anarchist threat is real.
Daily News reports that "50 of the country's leading anarchists"
are in town to cause serious mayhem.
They were already here all year, in Lower East Side coffee shops, trying
in vain to give away free booklets of their poetry.
The world's 50 leading anarchists -- you know, the ones who actually
do things -- were stopped at the border.
Lost Drew and Fabrizio's scent just as we were closing in.
53. The New York media turning so directly
in on itself risks possibility of city breaking apart and crumbling into
the sea, leaving world media-less and dependent on Bronze Age agricultural
tools and weaponry.
52. Retired and failed General Tommy Franks
setting the stage for future cabinet post.
51. 1.38 billion poorly edited political
leaflets and counting.
50. Cutesy cartoon maps of Manhattan.
49. The New York Sun's Ira Stoll
wandering amid crowds of protestors taking a poll made up of questions
crafted to make respondents choose between unrealistic all-or-nothing
propositions, such as, "Should the U.S. cut off all military aid to Israel -- or
48. The New York Sun's "scientific" survey
identifying 34 percent of the protesters as socialists.
47. There were 253 people in the Sun sample.
46. Tens of thousands of protest video journals uploaded at same time
risk crashing internet.
45. News media seeks out reaction of: Rosie Perez.
44. Increased Home Shopping Network sales of Ground Zero Silver Dollars.
43. Possibility of future 2004 Republican National Convention Silver
42. Memory of Indigo Girls show jarred loose.
41. Peter Vallone boasting that state security forces during the convention
will constitute "perhaps the world's 10th largest standing army."
40. NYC Chief Marketing Officer Joseph Perello could broach offer to
sell NYC brand name permanently to Republican National Committee, assuming
this week's dry run goes well. Deal rumored to be valued at 15 public
bathrooms, $70 million a year and free American Enterprise Institute-issued
textbooks for city schools until 2020.
Not being able to get to work easily.
Still being able to get to work.
who sincerely volunteered to help the GOP take over.
Four cops per delegate.
Keeping basic public security measures so secret that nobody knew what
they were going to run into Monday morning.
The suspension of the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th and 9th Amendments for the duration
of the convention.
The possible abolition of the 3rd and 8th Amendments in the days and weeks
following the convention.
The ban on street fairs.
The ban on photography in the subway system.
The "Top 10" lists supplied by Bloomberg, Giuliani, Pataki and Koch, telling
delegates where to go in the city.
Jay-Z still has 99 problems.
Random bag searches.
Shutting down a church's soup kitchen for a week because it was too close
Afraid to pick up our monthly package of hash and heroin at the post office.
Otherwise, elephants are great animals.
7th Ave. not wide enough for dramatic presidential F16 landing.
Even all of this won't make the Zambrano-Kazmir trade look any better.
Plain-jane protesters disappointing when compared with the models on all
those "ROCK THE VOTE" billboards.
Ho-hum, fatalistic expectation that tens of millions of dollarsı worth
of convention coverage will teach us absolutely nothing about political
and economic reality in this country.
So many assholes, not enough red-hot pokers.
That West Side internment camp.
"Love it or leave it" indeed.
Ayn Rand smiling up from hell.
City residents putting up with Mount Kilimanjaro of indignities so the
president can fly in for the night like some Jersey closet case sucking
down as much Sum Yung Guy take-out as he can before running home to the
wife and kids in Wyckoff.
The fact that nobody is looking at these security measures and saying,
"Well, it looks like the terrorists won after all."
It takes an hour to explain to retards why Sunday's parade didn't have
The delegates aren't all staying on a big boat somewhere.
What's that country between Syria and Iran called again?
The mayor looks a little tired.
The GOP's sense of entitlement.
Feed them once, and they'll never go home.
Mike Tyson confused, thinks he's fighting Clifford Etienne Thursday night.
Have you tried getting a plumber?
Successful convention could help seal 2012 Olympics bid.
New York has never been more un-New York.
No better time than now, no better place than here to detonate that gigantic
fucking nuclear bomb.
The sinking suspicion that, if they had their way, theyıd run the whole
country like this.
When all's said and done, we will have helped Bush get reelected.
And he'll still hate us.