1001 Things to Hate about the Republican National Convention
1001. City's collective IQ drops eight points, temporarily tying us with Seattle.
1000. Delegates from Kansas spotting Dave Chappelle on the streets 50 times a day.
999. Rudy Giuliani caught backstage in Nosferatu pose, muttering, "Soon all this will be mine!"
998. Protest war stories from people who spent previous 364 days watching MTV.
997. Mary Cheney forced to stop eating pussy for most of Wednesday primetime slot.
996. Osama bin Laden's name will not be mentioned by a single speaker during the convention.
995. Our weekly Al Qaeda training seminar and pot luck social was cancelled.
994. Fey, dreadlocked boys cause everyone else to question their sexuality.
993. Bush pitches himself as protector of New York, even though the state still inexplicably ranks 35th in anti-terrorism funding.
992. Aaron Brown taking chicks on limo rides to Times Square and saying, "There used to be a billboard of me here."
991. Criminal balloon profligacy on display while thousands of poor New York children go without balloons.
990. Inevitable fights with spouse, who bristles when you say Kerry isn't much better.
989. Republicans fail, for reasons that baffle even prominent Republican lawmakers, to release names of all the members of the platform committee.
988. Because NJ Transit is sealing all the trash containers on their NY-bound trains, it's Bring Your Garbage to Work Week.
987. Log Cabin Republican pigs in shit.
986. Protesters scatter when someone shouts, "Hey, This Old House is on!"
985. Inevitable "Markets React Favorably to Four Days of Preposterous Speeches" story.
984. Last-day riots between police and protesters just an elaborate ruse to allow Jeremy Irons to rob the Federal Reserve downtown.
983. Hot Ticket!! Nation columnist Katha Pollitt hosts spoken-word performance, "A Demonstration in Words."
982. Republican delegates in pricey hotels and eating catered food at city expense as Bush administration proposes revoking of $107 million in Section 8 housing vouchers for New York poor.
981. Wednesday-night Condi Rice Appreciation Bash at Henrietta Hudson cancelled.
980. TV audiences deprived of sole entertainment angle on convention: Viewers will not get to see the phonetic spellings in the teleprompter text of George Bush's speech.
979. Bowlmor populated by folks who can actually bowl.
978. Fad-happy GOP wives flush baby alligators down hotel toilets, guaranteeing killer gator problems down the line.
977. Jessica Cutler prefers Republicans to alt-weekly editors.
976. Inevitable Law & Order episode featuring skeleton of United for Peace and Justice organizer found mysteriously buried under Central Park boat shed.
975. Local policies quietly being determined while the newspapers are flooded with convention news (like the Dept. of Ed.'s decision to stop teaching sex-ed students how to use condoms).
974. Empty brioche racks in Zabar's.
973. Opportunistic delis rename their sandwiches: the Cheney Melt, the Bacon, Lettuce and Santorum, etc.
972. Inevitable Mike and the Mad Dog tirades against unpatriotic protesters.
971. LIRR shut down.
970. NJ Transit shut down.
969. Commuters screwed.
968. Local businesses screwed.
967. Massive numbers of foreigners watching just to find another reason to hate us.
966. More NYC bike messenger featurettes on BBC News than usual.
965. Next Norman Mailer gains early political impressions while making pretentious tadpole way through crowds.
964. Wolfowitz buys the last comb at Ricky's.
963. Republicans will pitch their call to end taxes on dividend income as a pro-senior citizen initiative.
962. Mark Green having trouble getting his message out.
961. A quarter-million angry protesters, yet none think to encircle Fox News studios to block doughnut deliveries to Roger Ailes.
960. NYU balconies off-limits to delegates.
959. When it's all over, we can look forward to the upcoming release of Oliver Stone's Alexander, starring Colin Farrell, Val Kilmer -- and Angelina Jolie!
958. All the good blow bought up by Congressional pages.
957. Federal subsidy for convention security: $50 million.
956. Cuts in federal Health Community Access Program for New York's medically uninsured: $120 million.
955. Political convention host committees the last bastion of unrestricted "soft" money in American political campaigning.
954. Event encourages scrawling of elderly ACLU lawyer's name on the back of two-week-old copy of the Guardian.
953. Hours of tv facetime for loathsome Time reporter and serial flatterer Karen Tumulty.
952. Can't make jokes about killing the president.
951. General American-flag redundancy factor astronomically higher around MSG even when compared to inflated post-9/11 level.
950. Whole thing is fucking up David Dinkinsı first week at the U.S. Open.
949. Sean Hannity able to credibly claim this is his town.
948. Hard to tell if Dick Morris is hailing cab or prostitute.
947. Republicans notoriously bad tippers; local actresses forced to pick up more shifts.
946. Republicans taking 5/6 train to Bowling Green looking for a cologne factory.
945. Dave Barry column this week ruminates on the possibility of being stopped by traffic police for picking one's nose.
944. City should be emptier than this during Burning Man.
943. Gov. Pataki wistfully recalls, for journalists, the "great rock ını roll concerts" he's seen at Madison Square Garden.
942. Visiting Republicans gloating over revival of Bryant Park.
941. The Republican Party's thinly veiled attempts to milk the 9/11 tragedy for political gain, as evidenced by:
940. Their decision to hold the convention here in the first place.
939. Their original plan, since canceled, to lay the foundation of the Freedom Tower during convention week.
938. The title of the convention's opening night: "A Nation of Courage," featuring Rudy Giuliani.
937. RNC press release notes that Giuliani will "speak to the courage of the American people, seen through the acts of bravery of a city that saw tragedy and great acts of heroism on Sept.11, 2001."
936. In an interview with the New York Times, Giuliani says about 9/11: "It has to be an issue in the election. Not discussing it would be like conducting an election for Abraham Lincoln and not discussing the Civil War."
935. White House advisor Matthew Dowd says for Bush not to mention 9/11 "would be like Roosevelt not talking about Pearl Harbor."
934. In fact, Roosevelt didn't mention Pearl Harbor at the 1944 Democratic convention.
933. Giuliani tells Meet the Press on the day before the convention starts: "My message will be one of leadership, that President Bush has demonstrated during maybe some of the most difficult days in our history."
932. Even though federal cuts have led to the closings of six New York City firehouses, Bush intends to visit a firehouse.
931. George Will on the convention: "As Republicans convene less than four miles from Ground Zero, the presidential contest is crystallized by that proximity."
930. The Democrats opened the door for this with their own 9/11 tribute during DNC.
929. You find yourself annoyed by the protesters, until you pick up the Daily News the editors bitching about the supporters of "anarchy or communism or nihilism or baby seals or Bobby Seale -- whatever."

928. That's when you wish that someone would do something really drastic. And then you're back to being annoyed with the protesters.
927. Chinese Communist Party will think this is "what Democracy looks like," setting democratic reforms back 50 years.

926. Swift Boat story knocked off front pages just as it was starting to backfire.
925. New York Times guide for delegates includes address of Friends establishing shot.
924. In their editorial, Times braintrust references Bush's campaign "proscenium."
923. In another Times editorial, Ron Rosenbaum, in his welcome piece celebrates doo-wop as part of the local culture.
922. Times guide also includes translation of word "Yo!" for visitors (it's a "common salutation").
921. Osama bin Laden getting high and stuffing his face with Cheetos as he watches with amusement.
920. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 1: Winner of MTV's Republican-inspired "Stand Up and Holla!" contest to speak at the convention.
919. Hitler-Jugend Vol. 1.A: Winner of MTV's "Stand Up and Holla!" contest, Arkansası Princella Smith, said the president "inspires us to be what I call Generations X-ample...our generation of 18-year-old soldiers can take a stand."
918. They can take limb-severing shrapnel, too, but that goes unmentioned.
917. Pete Hamill uses word "flaneur" in welcome-to-New York column in the Times.
916. News media seeks out reaction of: Moby.
915. Khaki pants at Gap no longer half-off.
914. The guy in front of you for the crapper is Grover Norquist.
913. Shushed at bar for asking patrons to turn off O'reilly Factor.
912. Republican males "go native" by untucking their shirts.
911. NYC masseuses tired of explaining concept of "happy ending."
910. Whistles: annoying outside of protests. Annoying during protests.
909. Repeat sightings of Brad Pitt character from True Romance.

908. Falun Gong lost in the crowd.
907. Daily News "PLAY NICE" headline.
906. Would-be somber antiwar protest looks a lot more like a sex-and-drugs-free liberal arts Mardi Gras in which everybody has a swell time and meets new people to have coffee with.
905. Can't find a copy of The Business Secrets of Attila the Hun in town.
904. Absence of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer from speaking program leaves Rick Santorum as only entertaining religious loony in program.
903. Donna Sheehan, founder of nude protest group Baring Witness, on political strategy: "At any time or place, any woman might expose all -- and I mean all -- for peace and justice. Her only intent is to seduce men into listening."
902. Sheehan is in her seventies.
901. Legal observers, for all their trouble, never get laid.
900. Conservatives in town posing as limousine liberals -- and vice-versa.
899. Taxis won't go to our neighborhood.
898. Naked Cowboy won't pose with Democrats.
897. The Associated Pressı syndicated web featurette "Inside the Convention Hall" plays "Happy Days Are Here Again" every time you load it.
896. Liberal group called Fuck the Vote busses in dozens of volunteers with the intention of screwing delegates in exchange for allegiance to the Democratic Party -- instead of just giving it up to overworked journalists.
895. Blue Man Group renamed White Man Group.
894. Every time a delegate uses a Diebold ATM they say, "This is the same company that's gonna help us steal the next one."
893. Diebold buys out Times Square billboard monitors.
892. Alex P. Keaton look-alikes get their taxis hailed before us.
891. Investment bankers no longer the only obvious jerks in town.
890. Mock disco-dancing appearance by Staten Island Republican Congressman Vito Fossella at the "Sunday Night Fever Party" at Roseland Ballroom.
889. We're not kidding about that Fossella item.
888. At Crobar's Tribute to Southern Delegations, hard to tell which is the Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute band and which is the real band.
887. Lynyrd Skynyrd-hosted Tribute to Southern Delegations at Crobar thick with good-olı shared assumptions and unspoken understanding.
886. Minimum three-hour wait at midtown Olive Garden.
885. Counter-protesters at Sunday's rally chanting, "No Such Thing as Palestine."
884. Counter-protesters defame one of the few good lines in original Star Wars, calling U.N. a "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
883. Counter-protesters wearing t-shirt with pictures of Ronald Reagan, Dick Cheney and Johnny Ramone, with the caption, "The Classics."
882. Off-message protesters with "Get U.S. Troops Out of Korea" sign.
881. The last time Schwarzenegger was on film in New York was Last Action Hero. Clearly, no good can come of this.
880. The dastardly Dolan family that owns MSG is cleaning up.
879. "Dykes against Bush" t-shirts -- because "Dykes for Bush" t-shirts would rock so much harder.
878. Influx of county sheriffs means citizen arrests for smoking weed sure to shoot way up.
877. No after-counter-convention rave at Ground Zero.
876. Pestilence, rivers running with blood, locusts.
875. Every female at the Sunday rally who was not wearing a bra really should have been wearing a bra.
874. Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's band, Capitol Offense, will be performing at the party for Republican governors.
873. The party for Republican governors is the only event taking place in a borough other than Manhattan.
872. We couldn't get a ticket.
871. Log Cabin Republicans create run on meth.
870. We can't catch them saying it on tape.
869. Republican Attorneys General Association Brunch to include discussion of nation's exposed-marble-tittie crisis.
868. Extra horse shit on the streets.
867. "My daddy's the president." -- First Daughter Jenna Bush in New York, explaining who she is to actress Jennifer Coolidge.
866. At the "W Stands for Women" briefing at the Waldorf, nobody stood up and screamed, "It stands for ¨Walkerı!"
865. Bush family friend Jerry Falwell leads the shadow convention in a prayer, asking God to destroy New York once and for all sometime in late October.
864. John Ashcroft not scheduled to sing "Let the Eagle Soar."
863. Not in front of the nation, anyway.
862. Education secretary Rod Paige's request not to wear lawn- jockey uniform again is denied.
861. The inevitable attempts to place flowers in the barrels of NYPD assault rifles.
860. Local hairdressers unable to imitate Laura Bush hairstyle.
859. Forty-five salons close.
858. Staten Island Ferry blasted for not having a VIP section.
857. Dean & Deluca clerk harassed over store's lack of grits.
856. Delegates from Missouri spotting Jackie Chan on the streets 50 times a day.
855. Bob Avakian, cult of personality Chairman of the Revolutionary Communist Party, finding convention-week opportunities to push his new lecture documentary, Revolution: Why It's Necessary, Why It's Possible, What It's All About.
854. William F. Buckley not getting beaten silly by Gore Vidal on NBC every night.
853. Along with pompous son Christopher's welcome piece in the Times, means conservative Republican/Buckley paradigm not yet a thing of the past.
852. Though the city is spending $78 million on security, we still feel compelled to take our front tire and bike seat with us when we lock-down two blocks from MSG.
851. Finding out that there really is a way to increase traffic in Midtown.
850. Delegates think we should be honored.
849. Bloomberg thinks we should be honored.
848. Our mother thinks we should be honored.
847. New standard of "real girlfriend experience" on includes ordering maid around and wearing pearls.
846. Visiting women in expensive shoes overheard screeching, "Ohmigod! I feel, like, so Carrie Bradshaw!"
845. A heavily made-up Katherine Harris makes rare, non-voter-list-scrubbing appearance.
844. Ari Fleischer back from the corporate-board dead to sign autographs and look like human worm.
843. Even more dudes in McSorley's than usual.
842. Lynne Cheney contemplates legality and timing of surprise inspections of city schools syllabi.
841. Strand staffers grumpier than usual.
840. Frustrated Tom Tomorrow to create massive, 4398-panel masterpiece of droll, defeatist liberal irony.
839. We've beaten up on Ted Rall so much in the last two years that doing so now would be redundant.
838. Level-III ballistic control booths, double-sally port configurations, nine perimeter checkpoints, 20-nautical-mile restrictive fly zone and USAF combat patrols.
837. No Rage Against the Machine reunion show at SummerStage.
836. If Larry King and Charlie Rose catch sight of each other in the walkway alongside Talk Show Row, all hell's gonna break loose...
835. ...Unless there's an open bottle of Old Granddad anywhere near Rose.
834. New York's Buddhists gently chuckling at how silly and un-centered everyone else is, spend week pretending not to understand what the fuss is.
833. Michael Moore's USA Today guest column.
The Media Falls in Line
832. New York City Media Welcome bash gives Time-Warner mall much-needed boost.
831. Leading the Post's Robert George to exclaim: "A mall with free drinks and appetizers is more than just a mall!"
830. At mall party, Editor & Publisher's Jennifer Saba reports: "a striking blond artist and former intern for Vice" named Carol Salomonson claimed that Larry King checked her out.
829. Salomonson described it as the "skivviest thing."
828. Salomonson meant "skeeviest."

827. Al Franken's shout-things-about-Bush-out-your-windows idea an ineffectual extension of his idiotic radio concept.
826. Al Franken thinks he's too important and serious to do Stuart Smalley anymore.
825. Al Franken is wrong.

824. So, is Penn Station open or not?
823. So, is the post office open or not?

822. Delegates think our streets are normally this clean.
821. Delegates think our subways are normally this clean.
820. Delegates think our homeless are normally this missing.

819. Lingering close-ups of Mel Gibson and his dad in the VIP section trying to look like they don't know they're on tv.
818. Motorcycle cops riding down 14th St. in bombing-run formation, a cigarette dangling out of the leader's mouth.
817. Sept. 1 is moving day for thousands.
816. Now the world knows: Our cops really do look like the Village People.
815. Bill Bennett takes suitcase of virtues with him on midweek junket to Foxwoods.
814. RNC delegates won't shut up about Museum of Natural History's evolution exhibit.
813. Abu Ghraib-themed nights at S&M club no longer funny.
812. Festivities end Thursday, depriving world of chance to learn from the people who invented Casual Friday.
811. Massive comeback for the Ghostbusters logo.
810. Recurring Stay Puff Marshmallow Man nightmares triggered by return of Ghostbusters logo.
809. NYPD sniper nests.
808. Abraham Lincoln not arisen from the dead to say, "Dude, where's my party?"
807. Teen Wolf impossible to find in Blockbusters.
806. Quadrupling number of official Kerry-Edwards campaign e-alerts.
805. The largest ATF force ever gathered in U.S. history.
804. Exacerbating late-August lull in service industry.
803. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the convention even began should tell people something.
802. Five total arrests at the DNC vs. 500 in NYC before the conventions even began should tell Republicans something.
801. Old Guatemalan dudes playing crap versions of "Imagine" in the subways.
800. More Kerry windsurfing pictures.
799. Youth reporters.
798. Broadway performers knuckling under after threatening a sit-out.
797. The Passion of the Christ 50-pack for churches: $1400.
796. He's Greg Stillson, people!
795. If it weren't for the convention, we wouldn't have to worry about anything on this list.
794. Fox News debuts "Terrorism Quiz."
793. Likelihood that Schwarzenegger will say something like, "Bush'll be back."
791. Post hack Dan Mangan predictably quotes lowball estimates of protest numbers, ignoring wide agreement that around half a million marched.
790. Post cunt Andrea Peyser interviews a tween girl, Michael Moore and a Raelian -- makes sweeping judgment about dissent.
789. "We will be joined this week by thousandsçin the government employee unions and radical environmental movement, and abortion activists and anti-war protestorsç Please remember that, though this is our convention week, Democrats are free to exercise their First Amendment right." -- From a full-page ad/letter from Ed Gillespie to "Convention Friends" placed in Monday editions of the Journal and Post.
788. Of four Post images of Sunday protest, one is a kid getting arrested, one of a "masked demonstrator" -- in glasses and Tevas -- running away from a burning papier-mache dragon effigy.
787. Daily News is almost as bad.
786. Ninety-one words into his fawning introductory convention kick-off speech, mayor brings up 9/11, setting tone for weeklong exploitation fest.
785. William Safire unable to restrain boner for Norman Podhoretz's aggressive plan to fight "World War IV," ejaculates on readers before closing Monday column with soothing pillow talk on convention strategy.
784. Norman Podhoretz's plan for fighting World War IV is the same as that found in the RNC platform.
783. Said plan is a flour, water, sugar and egg recipe for accelerating the war/terror/war cycle until everyone is dead.
782. Later in speech, Bloomberg paraphrases Abe Lincoln and name-drops Jackie Robinson in attempt to link current GOP to historic battles for social justice.
781. Men in cowboy hats.
780. Women in cowboy hats.
779. Dallas Cowboys fans.
778. The myth of Rudy as hero on 9/11 taken out of deep-freeze, pumped full of bloodlike liquid, injected with vitamins. It lives!
777. City officially proclaims "Welcome Peaceful Protestors." City does not proclaim "Welcome Peaceful Delegates."
776. Loathsome bad-hair pop capitalist icon Donald Trump hosts Wednesday fundraiser for loathsome bad-hair Pennsylvania senator Arlen Specter.
775. Trump introduced to visiting Republicans as the "Big Apple's Big Daddy."
774. Port security still a joke.
773. "I believe President Bush is a good Christian." -- Fellow Good Christian Bill Clinton, speaking Sunday at Riverside Church.
772. Secret Service officers giving children Secret Service pins on the sidewalk.
771. Walking growth hormones hold "Smackdown Your Vote!" event at New Yorker Hotel.
770. Pro-choice march includes free drinks of "Venus Water for Women."
769. C-SPAN's ongoing efforts to slicken up image still hard to watch without wincing.
768. Sight of Dick Cheney, the descendent of Puritan-era British immigrants to New England -- spelled "Cheyney" originally -- making beeline to Ellis Island for first NYC photo-op.
767. GOP platform cites "social science" in stating opposition to gay marriage.
766. Delegates who have waited lifetimes to see Wall Street.
765. Networks playing along and replaying images of planes hitting towers...
764. ...and Bush at Ground Zero with the bullhorn.
763. The use of the phrase "personal" retirement accounts instead of "privatized."
762. Bloomberg taking every available opportunity to rehash his "coming out joke" from his mayoral campaign.
761. Groundswell among conservative commentators urges comparison to 1944 FDR convention.
760. Advertising Research Foundation survey finds only one in five Americans believes convention-week tv ads by both candidates are "annoying."
759. White House Chief of Staff Andy Card tells Wall Street Journal he is openly rooting for the Red Sox to catch the Yankees.
758. Republicans launch Backtothe, an internet activism site to counter
757. Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney giving everyone his card, memorizing reporter names in preparation for 2008.
756. A&E announced this week original movie about the life of John McCain, Faith in My Fathers.
755. Close-ups of tears in the crowd during Gatlin Brothers rendition of the national anthem.
754. Pataki makes halfhearted attempts to distance himself from amazingly unfunny play, John F. Kerry: He's No JFK, which depicts Hillary Clinton as a tough lesbian.
753. Within minutes of the convention formally opening on Monday, Dennis Hastert compares Bush to Lincoln.
752. Hastert once called New York's efforts to obtain homeland security money "unseemly."
751. And this week said, "Those folks did a great job with the money we got for them," referring to convention preparations that cost city millions in own money.
750. Hastert will spend the entire convention week playing bash-the-piÀata with fat corporate donors, including such functions as:
749. A party in Hastert's honor at Tavern on the Green hosted by General Motors...
748. A party in honor of Hastert's wife on Tuesday, hosted by the Burlington Northern Santa Fe Railroad...
747. A museum party for Hastert thrown by Motorola...
746. An "Irish lunch" for Hastert hosted by the Akin Gump lobbying firm...
745. A reception for Hastert hosted by Union Pacific...
744. And another lunch for Hastert on the final day, hosted by SBC.
743. As another GOP convention showcases diverse faces and cuddly rhetoric, party strategists admit top priority behind the scenes is energizing far-right Christian base.
742. French Revolution: no puppets. Paris Commune: no puppets. Russian Revolution: no puppets. Gandhi's nonviolent overthrow of the British: no puppets. Velvet Revolution: no puppets.
741. Aug. 29, 2004: puppets.

740. Nationwide shortage on cardboard tubes; millions of hamsters homeless.
739. Uppity do-gooders at Habitat for Humanity reject proposal to build shelters from discarded protest tubes.
738. Cardboard tubes too flimsy and lightweight for back-alley gang-sodomy of RNC volunteer who wandered too far from the Garden.
737. Dystopic corporate presence, such as:
736. General Motors gives more than 200 vehicles...
735. ...and a Travis Tritt concert.
734. The Cartier Mansion hosts party for Henry Bonilla.
733. Nissan and the American Gas Association honor Frist and Lamar Alexander and the Tennessee delegates at Sotheby's.
732. Johnny Cash adopted as Republican symbol by way of the above-mentioned party at Sotheby's, where an auction of Johnny and June Carter Cash memorabilia will be held in September.
731. (Rosanne Cash remains silent.)
730. Monday Golf Tournament named in honor of Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who explained his lack of Vietnam service this way in 1988: "So many minority youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto, that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself."
729. "Literally."
728. Sixteen years later, that's still funny.

727. Arnold Schwarzenegger keeps calling us a bunch of girlymen.
726. We're forced to remember that he's actually governor of California.
725. His visit is subsidized by 15 corporations, including the three major networks.
724. Cost of trip: $350,000
723. No one notices that his man-tits have grown weak and saggy; big-media fails to ridicule them.
722. And yet, there weren't nearly enough pyrotechnics when he took the stage.
721. When opened, the invitation to John McCain's Wednesday party plays the Abba song, "Mamma Mia!"
720. Indiana Jones theme music played to McCain's entrance.
719. Filthy hippies from Vermont in knit hats.
718. Hijacking of nature's most perfect gift for political purposes: the rainbow.
717. Media, Republicans and protesters all going about their business oblivious to fact that, for all intents and purposes, Dick Cheney is the man being nominated on Thursday, not George W. Bush.
716. Face paint on non-Native Americans.
715. Influx of PETA activists leading restaurants to drop live monkey brains from menus.
714. New York's elephants will never forget what we did to them.
713. Snickering groups of cops leering at female teenage protesters.
712. Amy Sohn's top-secret convention article ("I can't tell you more or I will be scooped") was aboutçdrum rollçsex workers prepping for the RNC. Way to go, Amy.
711. In reality, quite a large percentage of the city's independent prostitutes left town.
710. And took their advertising with them.

709. No Logo author Naomi Klein in town to continue making a living upon backs of real activists.
708. With Bush and Schwarzenegger in scoring position, A-Rod grounds out weakly to short.
707. Jowly sadist Brit Hume complaining, in that stentorian voice of his, about protesters using the "f-word."
706. Opening night of convention features remarks by 9/11 relatives.
705. They didn't announce the 9/11 relatives on the lineup until the last minute.
704. Having to listen to Rudy Giuliani compare Bush to Winston Churchill.
703. Opening night coverage on FoxNews channel interrupted by frequent updates of voir dire proceedings in Kobe trial.
702. Bush's Monday afternoon "I don't think you can win it" remark about the War on Terrorism a dead story by sundown.
701. Republican decision to advertise their use of "biodegradable" balloons as embarrassing and transparent as BP's new green-friendly logo.
700. Chris Matthews quoting his Republican delegate brother: "[Kerry] can't be elected president. He looks like a tree."
699. Republicans actually using mock elephant calls in lieu of gavel to call delegates to order.
698. News media seeks out reaction of: Sexual Chocolate and the White Boys.
697. Filipino Siamese twins separated in New York on Day 1 of convention. Bill O'reilly and Bono brought together there on Day 3.
696. Ron Reagan's hip tieless look.
695. RNC's "Live from New York, it's the Republican Convention!" SNL spoof video intro like watching your mother get tag-teamed by hyenas.
694. Dennis Kucinich puts on makeup and a pearl choker, goes on The O'reilly Factor disguised as Mary Matalin.
693. News media seeks out reaction of: Rosario Dawson.
692. The phrase, "Republicans sought to portray..."
691. The phrase, "Democrats countered..."
690. The cheery, cream-colored casual sport coats worn by Tom Brokaw and Joe Scarborough on opening night.
689. The serious-as-cancer blue and gray suits worn by same on the night of the finale.
688. Bob Costas finds that one elusive, bookish, chin-stroking "Aha!" angle on the whole thing that everybody missed.
687. News media seeks out reaction of: Lynn Swann.
686. Ben-wa balls discovered on convention floor near Illinois delegation go unclaimed despite repeated announcements by Convention Jockeys.
685. McCain speaking on Bush's behalf despite the fact that Bush's team dubbed him a traitor in 2000, made insinuations about his wife's drug use and allegedly circulated racist leaflets about his adopted Bangladeshi daughter.
684. TRL audience consists entirely of soccer moms.

>683. Michael Moore stage-dives; 10 protestors hospitalized.
682. Incidents of juvenile delinquents mugging tourists for athletic shoes outstripped by hipsters mugging delegates for vintage polyester suits.
681. Wax ass on figure of Reagan at Madame Tussauds completely kissed off.
680. Show-World displays own version of "trickle-down" economics.
679. Paul Wolfowitz eyes up ConEd, begins laying intellectual groundwork for new energy company, NeoConEd.
678. The Garden's two jumbotron-style screens flashing "THANK YOU NEW YORK" for days on end.
677. "Table" more verb than noun: "NYC SOA Watch will be tabling in Washington Square Park on Saturday."
676. The NYC Host Committee's Vision Statement: "New York City, with its unparalleled diversity, creativity and palpable energy, is the most compelling stage for the Republican National Convention. / New York City, the world's gateway to freedom and opportunity, inspires and embodies the American spirit, which was founded on entrepreneurialism, freedom, liberty, patriotism, innovation, courage and optimism for a bright future."
675. So busy protesting, we missed the Bennigan's grand opening at 47th & 8th.
674. All Arabs out of town, can't get a decent couscous.
673. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 2: Celebrity sea-monster couple Jason Sehorn and Angie Harmon to address Republican Youth Convention.
672. Sehorn won't get any tackles there, either.
671. Not for the first time, we envy the inhabitants of the world's peaceful cities -- like Belgrade, and Kinshasa.
670. Loose local women sport-fucking delegates.
669. NYPD's policy of "take only photographs, leave only footprints" unfortunately applied to protesters and their heads.
668. For the first time in New York City history, gay tourists not allowed to act gay.
667. Village blues club Fat Black Pussycat renamed Freedom Black Pussycat.
666. Unsuspecting churchgoers can't handle their ecstasy at Avalon.
665. "Do you know where the Seinfeld diner is?"
664. Penn Station playing Toby Keith over loudspeaker instead of classical music.
663. Somehow, those crazy U.N. delegates don't seem so bad anymore.
662. Somehow, day-tripping Jersey families don't seem so bad anymore.
661. Somehow, having bamboo shoots driven under our fingernails, being strapped to a lounge chair, forced to watch Sex and the City reruns with a car battery attached to our genitals doesn't seem so bad anymore.
660. Longer line at Scores.
659. MSNBC tagline: "ReadyçSetçGOP"
658. Tom Brokaw still asymptomatic for anthrax.
657. Bloomberg telling us that unless you live within a few blocks of the Garden, you won't know there's a convention going on.
656. Traffic cops clearly wish that jaywalking was cause for lethal force.
655. NYPD Robocop-prototype unveiling closed to public; white penguin tux dinner to be co-hosted by Commissioner Kelly, Giuliani, Rumsfeld and Bruce Ratner.
654. Convention overshadows Israel gold medal in windsurfing.
653. Ditto Rulon Gardner's retirement.
652. Our GPS-enabled subdermal microchip malfunctioned on Monday night, placed us in the Garden during Giuliani's speech. Our inbox is now filled with pro-life spam.
651. Greeks protest Powell's planned visit, get results. New Yorkers protest RNC's planned visit -- to bemusement of Republican officials.
650. And their own mayor.
649. Fat suburbanite and Q104 DJ Zach Martin cries on the air like an incontinent baby about being inconvenienced by protesters.
648. The Tick Tock Diner at 34th & 8th now called the Convention Diner.
647. RNC badges clash with power-blue shirts.
646. Macy's broadcasts Fox News on its Herald Square outdoor tv.
645. Ran into numerous former lovers at the protest.
644. With the Village Idiot closed, Brooks and Dunn may end up at our local.
643. Recent poll placed Jeb Bush as the favorite choice of current Republicans for 2008.
642. With Jeb Bush in New York, chance that Jeb Bush will be swept away by Hurricane Frances is reduced to almost zero.
641. Authorities hire the Fuji blimp as an "alternative intelligence-gathering tool."
640. We just know those guys up there are sneaking peaks down our girlfriend's shirt.
639. Poor olı Fuji blimp ain't never gonna be the same.
638. BladeRunner looking more like documentary every day.
637. Republican organizers asked the city to take Naked Boys Singing! off its official tourism website.
636. The city responded by taking the show off its list of discounted theater productions for delegates.
635. Our gay cousin's big break in Naked Boys Singing! goes unnoticed.
634. As part of their deal with New York City to bring the convention here, the Republicans sought and obtained $2.2 million in public money to pay for 56 parties for state and local delegations.
633. They sought an additional $2.4 million for media, volunteer and hotel staff parties.
632. And a million for decorations, which include:
631. One hundred and twenty fucking thousand red, white and blue balloons.
630. Estimated total cost of convention to New York: $165 million.
629. Money could have actually been spent on a Fan Appreciation/Free DVD Player Day at Shea.
628. Amount of cuts in subsidized state child care proposed by California governor and Day Two speaker Arnold Schwarzenegger: $165 million
627. Mayor Bloomberg: "Assuming I get re-elected, I will try very hard to get both Republican and Democratic conventions in four years."
626. Bloomberg personally contributed $7 million to the RNC.
625. Ergo: Reasonable to expect the same in 2008.
624. At this rate, he'll go broke in the year 3064.

The P.A.'s Line of Defense

623. The Port Authority's "anti-terror truck," designed to "detect weapons of mass destruction" was proudly declared the "only one of its kind."
622. NY1 profiled the truck: "Everything in the vehicle is a normal police suburban, but once they put all the radiation equipment in it, they hardwire it into the normal police siren," said Port Authority Special Operations Officer Michael Warnock.
621. NY1 then ran clear footage of the truck, complete with shots of the "hard-wired" equipment. It's number 53870; the license plate is 59800.
620. (By the way, guys, the Magical Fairy from the Super Duper Bad-People-Catching Squad in the Land of Imaginary Mechanical Band Aids called: He wants his expensive minivan back.)
619. According to Ed Gillespie, the entertainers scheduled to appear "reflect the broad appeal of President George W. Bush." They are:
618. Michael W. Smith
617. Daniel Rodriguez
616. Daize Shayne
615. The Gatlin Brothers
614. Elisabeth Hasselbeck
613. Sara Evans
612. Dana Glover
611. Ron Silver (yes, that Ron Silver)
610. Choppers creating hellish audio hallucinations while on acid.
609. Like L.A., we will soon be dealing with choppers all the time.
608. TV executives don't give a shit about what anyone is actually saying.
607. Shameless GOP pandering for crucial Williamsburg vote.
606. Pedicab drivers ordered to outfit bikes with some sort of fossil-fuel-burning device.
605. "Shove it" versus "Go fuck yourself" argument between Teresa Heinz and Dick Cheney not caught on-camera.
604. The arrival of Karl Rove's partial-birth deformed head reminds us of our own physical imperfections.
603. City's "media to non-working media ratio" raised to uncomfortable 1-to-1.
602. Fashionable anti-Bush sentiment will soon no longer be fashionable.
601. We still don't know how to spell "koom-bay-ya."
600. Indymedia people getting a little too big for their britches.
599. Friends and colleagues who leave town and say goodbye like they're never going to see you again.
598. We wish that was true.
597. Taxpayer-funded therapy for delegates at St. Vincent Catholic Medical Centers, where Dr. Spencer Eth, the centersı medical director of behavioral health, said: "Many of the people at the convention are coming from far away and probably haven't been exposed to this level of security. We expect that even if there isn't an incident from a protester or a terrorist, [delegates] are going to be more anxious as a result of being aware of the danger."
596. American flag in the shape of America behind podium at RNC.
595. Ghost of Patrick Ewing either unable or unwilling to fart during Bush's acceptance speech.
594. Comparisons to 1968.
593. Massive injection of White Christianity into Manhattan may make non-Latino residents start thinking about God.
592. 3000 WTC dead unable to protest Bush's ineptitude or his subsequent stonewalling of 9/11 Commission.
591. Having to decide whether you're with them or against them.
590. Todd Gitlin masturbating over the fact that the Whole World Is Watching.
589. River Navigation Commission forced to change acronym.
587. Breaking non-news from the convention floor.
586. Democratic National Committee Chairman Terry McAuliffe calling Zell Miller "Zig-Zag Zell," instead of calling him "dickhead traitor to his party and his country."
585. This is the moment Miller has been waiting for all his life.
584. Urge to offer wrong directions to visiting delegates makes us feel childish.
583. Total media blackout of everything else in the world.
582. Bearded Wahhabi Muslims bent on hellish destruction of America made to feel even more uncomfortable reading the Koran on the subway.
581. Burlesque variety show production of My Pet Goat didn't live up to expectations.
580. Mind-numbing, all-consuming scripted pseudo-event universally accepted as the "political Superbowl."
579. Delegates from Idaho spotting George Lopez on the streets 50 times a day.
578. Cheering, stomping delegates register 4.3 on the Richter scale.
577. This hasn't happened at a Knicks game since 1994.
576. "Attack" Democrats readying machine-gun belts of rapid-response press releases nobody will read.
575. Bush Twins activate!
574. ...Form of a budding socialite fearful of losing her allowance.
573. ...Shape of future society scandal bearing the scars of three abortions and the stink of her father's evil.
572. Fearful that Moroccan stamp in our passport makes us an enemy of the state...
571. ...When actually it just means we're upwardly mobile gay pedophiles.
570. Bearded, America-hating United for Peace and Justice organizers can't appreciate how much work goes into maintaining a nice lawn.
569. GOP operatives in furry dolphin suits meant to represent Kerry's flip-flops.
568. "Dol-fun" title pun on Lloyd Grove's write-up of the suits.
567. Thousands of gallons of gas consumed, tons of CO2 expended during hours of extended midtown gridlock.
566. "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President" "War President"...
565. Laura Bush's blank stare may rip what scientists call a "vapidity wormhole" in the fabric of the universe, sucking the city and most of the tri-state area into timeless void of nothingness.
564. Millions of "Bush Lied" stickers -- everywhere, forever, on everything.
563. Having to confront Office of Emergency Management Commissioner Joseph Bruno's jet-black rug while he dodges questions about terrorism by talking about preparing for "the weather."
562. The mayor telling us to buck up, it won't be so bad.
561. Billionaires for Bush growing more tiresome by the nanosecond.
560. New York Press distribution reduced by 45 percent...
559. ...Circulation Dept. reports zero complaints.
558. Dennis Miller certain to make Cat Stevens-protestor joke.
557. Due to overly scripted nature of event, Henry Kissinger unable to plot last-minute nomination of Gerald Ford for vice president.
556. Milton Glaser's plan to protest by turning on the city's many light bulbs.
555. Exposed pit hair.
554. Crackpot paranoids don't seem so crackpot, not so paranoid.
553. The Brown Bunny is totally gonna be sold out all week.
552. Elizabeth Dole allowed to lecture nation.
551. The help suddenly has excuses for being late.
550. Patriotic Hummer limos.
549. Almost makes you wish the Republicans had just picked some island in the Atlantic.
548. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 3: Noted young person Andy Card to be a key speaker at the Bush youth convention.
547. When it's over, Bloomberg will still have no clout in Washington.
546. Tom Ridge could get drunk and falsely declare major attack on city, thus delegitimizing whole color-coded alert system.
545. It's virtually impossible to find Waldo.
544. Wilford Brimley hiding in shadows with insurance pitch.
543. Craigslist New York City sublets section a total mess.
542. No one wanted to rent our apartment for the week.
541. New Yorkers forced to bet against themselves in terror pools.
540. Tom Clancy joke remains elusive.
539. Pat Buchanan not on hand to go completely apeshit about the culture war.
538. Rob Reiner watching convention on eight different television sets simultaneously, shouting orders to Moveon's NYC HQ from Beverly Hills.
537. Everybody spelling history with a capital "H."
536. Wolf Blitzer reasserts seriousness; gives beard extra precision trim.
535. NYU students inconvenienced.
534. But not enough.
533. Woody Allen dragged out as shorthand for liberal, neurotic city as counterpoint to rugged type-A red-state confidence.
532. Price of helipads tripled overnight.
531. Times Square military recruitment center suddenly fits right in.
530. Liberal, secular, diverse city implicitly asked to question its values by whitebread Creationist freaks.
529. Instances of she-male prostitute-client misunderstandings at all-time high.
528. Angry and fearful local Arab/Muslim population forced to watch protests and detonate bombs from privacy of own homes.
527. Our lost reputation when no visiting delegate is brutally attacked and robbed in the manner in which we New Yorkers are so eminently capable...
526. ...Even worse, Christian Defense Fund is vindicated for Aug. 27 candlelight vigil in front of Madison Square Garden, in which God was asked to provide "protection and safety" for the city of New York.
525. You don't need candles in New York, you nitwits.
524. Unless, that is, the Republicans cause another blackout.
523. Having to carry two new forms of ID to get past the security checkpoints.
522. The suspicion that we'll be carrying two new forms of ID for a long time.
521. Britney Spears -- a "pro-Bush celebrity" -- endowed with the capacity for politics.
520. Spears invited to sing at Bush's political party bash at the Garden.
519. Her invitation invites inevitable protests from something called the Illinois Family Institute, which is concerned about Spearsı influence on family values.
518. Illinois Family Institute indifferent, however, to shitty quality of Britney's music.

The Tomato War
517. "Kerry Flip-Flops" stickers in shape and style of Heinz ketchup label.
516. "W Ketchup" featured at convention's Grand Old marketPlace memorabilia at Hilton.
515. Heinz Ketchup reduced to posting desperate loyalty oaths on its website.
514. Irony of election reduced to battle of dueling ketchup brands lost on absolutely everybody.
513. Increased opium production in Afghanistan allows local junkies to nod out right through convention, missing out on a valuable chance to learn about American government and get involved in the political process.
512. Local left-wing intellectuals risk acquiring lifelong stammer.
511. Chinatown completely oblivious.
510. Kurt Loder.
509. David Brooks encouraged to speak directly into mic.
508. Who will remember the children? And do they even know it's Christmas?
507. Having to watch Pataki act like a national player and demurely field flattering questions about his presidential aspirations while reading Bush talking points about how terrorists "hate our freedoms."
506. Three years later, we still don't have a better explanation than, "They hate us for our freedom."
505. Plunging necklines on Republican female power suits don't plunge nearly enough.
504. Joyce Purnick reflects.
503. Rangersı 1978-79 playoff division championship banner removed from MSG rafters.
502. GOP cigar exemptions from smoking ban.
501. Chris Matthews more likely to spit when he talks.
500. Tight schedule and security situation make it difficult for delegates to spend much time volunteering with local AIDS patients.
499. Iraq as an "accomplishment."
498. Invite-only parties likely to result in hurt feelings.
497. All that Republican sewage introduced to the water table.
496. Ted and Shemane Nugent allowed entry.
495. Some local RNC volunteers likely to grow attached to guests and return with them to their home states, creating brain drain and hurting NYC economy.
494. Heightened expectations not fair to Onion staff.
493. Area film-school students suddenly all have the same idea; protest footage shot; miles of film stock wasted.
492. With the sheriff in town, the evildoers are sure to burrow even further into their freedom-hating subterranean networks of terror.
491. "Party animal" puns.
490. Young Republican party animals.
489. National Guard jarheads striking tough poses with their M-16s outside Soho Victoria's Secret.
488. Press conferences featuring "Top Cop" Ray Kelly looking like an Irish Nazi after starting a new life in Buenos Aires.
487. Bloomberg still trying to pretend that this was all a very good idea.
486. Treating Critical Mass bike protesters like they're a threat to anything but a bowl of vegan stir-fry.
485. News coverage making Derek Jeter jealous.
484. President's official blog taking longer to load than usual.
483. Disabled delegates unaware of Rudy's war against wheelchair-accessible curbs.
482. Taxi Driver nerds talking into mirror more than usual.
481. High risk of finding a Republican in random buddy booth.
480. Exultant coming-out party of The Daily Show as a major mainstream cultural phenomenon.
479. "Life After Capitalism" seminar participants crossing the street after a day of meetings to investigate sale on black t-shirts at 34th St. Kmart.
478. Missile Dick Chicks just a big tease.
477. Artists getting their bearded, obedient boyfriends to take pictures of "interactive public art projects" for use as illustrations in future grant applications.
476. Sixteenth year of bad Bush puns.
475. Early October press release from the mayor's office about amount of business this brought to New York.
474. Scheduled somber visits to Ground Zero at which tears will be shed.
473. Cameras there to record this.
472. Despite high concentration of cops in midtown, skate punks still unable to break into WTC site.
471. "Irony" of The Manchurian Candidate being in theaters at this particular time.
470. "Now that I've protested, Iım sure Iım on a list somewhere!"
469. "Me too! I wonder if we'll have trouble flying now!"
468. Kobe Bryant coverage pushed aside during a crucial juncture in the case.
467. Groups with ominous, Neuromancer-inspired names like "A31" concocting elaborate plans to get arrested.
466. Aging lesbians teaching earnest young people "how to go limp" in protest practice sessions.
465. Police captains foaming at the mouth to use a Pentagon-approved "non-lethal weapons" like the ear-splitting "sound cannon," which has been used "to good effect" in Iraq.
464. All those bomb-sniffing dogs that could have had better lives in the country somewhere.
463. Supposedly savvy NY1 "Inside City Hall" host referring to GOP as "Compassionate Conservatives."
462. Women's group, Axis of Eve, flashes underwear to protest policies of President Bush.
461. Quote from Elizabeth Eve, of Axis of Eve, on group's origins: "I was teaching a class on imperialismçand I was getting all worked up and upset, and all of a sudden, all I wanted to do was flash my underwear! It was crazy!"
460. It all happened so fast, Norman Solomon missed his big chance to score.
459. The "Politics aside, we're all buddies here" feel of mixed Democrat-Republican analysis panels on TV.
458. GOP site gives instructions on how delegates can find cheap tickets to Hairspray.
457. Inevitable quirky NPR piece about New Jersey inventor who needs just two weeks of tinkering in a garage to develop neat-looking color LCD protest placard with changeable slogans.
456. Rodney King denied prime-time speaking slot -- again.
455. Bernard Kerik enraged by tepid applause as he turns podium over to Labor Secretary Elaine Chao.
454. Satan powerless to stop Christian singer Michael Smith from grabbing primetime coverage.
453. Hacker-mag 2600 editor Emmanuel Goldstein still not grown out of his pseudonym -- and still croaking hysterical warnings to credulous media.
452. At least 600,000 t-shirts to be dug up 20 years from now in ruins of bitter, sexless, once-progressive marriages.
451. "Remember when we fucked in Central Park during the 2004 protest? What happened to us, honeybuns?"
450. NYCLU director Donna Lieberman's phone ringing off the hook all weekend for the first time since... Well, for the first time.
449. Ray Kelly emboldened by media attention to use the word "obfuscate" at press conference.
448. Daily News and Post photographers dispatched in search of Lenin t-shirts.
447. Dan Rather too afraid to shout "Show us your tits!" during Convention speech of youth-abstinence icon, Miss America 2003 Erika Howard.
446. Howard to address nation on importance of being nice and the cuteness of kittens.
445. Howard has been campaigning on the "African-American Empowerment Tour" to recruit black Republicans. She was joined on the tour by Don King.
444. Hitler-Jugend, Vol. 4: Ari Fleischer suspends important work coaching little league in Connecticut to address kids.
443. On display at "Freedom Salon" activist gallery: artist A.A. Bronson's large color photograph of himself hanging naked upside down, "an image of powerlessness and humiliation."
442. Sheeplike, America responds to convention with five-point bounce for Bush.
441. Elderly black bus driver just barely has time to read Sports Illustrated in quiet contentment in Queens parking lot before Maine delegation of A.N.S.W.E.R. protesters returns triumphant and ready for the long drive back.
440. Rumors that Dick Cheney will step down.
439. Prove to be just that.
438. Bush leads in the polls anyway.
437. Lynyrd Skynyrd and Boy George duking it out in nearly simultaneous pro- and anti-Bush "where are they now?" club appearances.
436. "Revitalized" Times Square means no chance Shepard Smith will be beaten to death after Saturday-night gloryhole warmup.

435. Newsweek reporter Howard Fineman, citing interviews with Bush advisor Karen Hughes, report the Bush speech will attempt to argue the Iraq war was "the ultimate expression of compassionate conservatism."
434. As he makes this touching case, America fails to notice as cities like Bakubah, Fallujah and Ramadi fall completely into the hands of emboldened anti-American fundamentalist coalitions.
433. According to the Guardian, not a single American reporter traveled to cover the violence in Najaf in the week before the convention.
432. More than 1000 Iraqis -- insurgents and civilians -- killed in Najaf alone since beginning of August. The U.S. reports 11 dead.
431. Quote from U.S. soldier about battle tactics in urban Najaf: "When we take fire, we just usually light it up."
430. Widespread reports from international press of dogs feeding on corpses in Najaf.
429. A week before the convention, 60 international and local journalists were arrested in the new, "democratic" Iraq reporting news of Ayatollah al-Sistani's arrival in Najaf without government permission.
428. The police chief who ordered those arrests, Ghalib al-Jazaeıri, was a former Baıathist official.
The Helpful Hints

427. New York magazine's "Pick a Protest!" barometer graphic.
The Support Protesters

426. This guy's scarf --
425. -- and earnestness --
424. -- and if he marched all the way from the DNC to the RNC (as the photo caption indicated), how did he keep his whites so white?
The Love From D.C.
423. Florida delegates posted a notice at their hotel asking for donations to the Hurricane Charley relief fund.
422. But, according to the Voice, Florida will get so-called "hazard mitigation" funding from the government for Charley, in the form of an additional percentage of whatever FEMA spends on the disaster.
421. "Hazard mitigation" is designed to fund future prevention in disaster sites. Florida is going to get an extra 15 percent. New York only got five percent after 9/11.
420. Guess which state is a swing state.
419. New York still ranks 50th per capita in bioterrorism funding.
418. According to congressman Anthony Weiner, the Bush administration has stiffed New York out of $2.5 billion in mandated No Child Left Behind funds.
417. Bush originally promised the city $6.6 billion in education funds when he signed the law to great fanfare.
416. He quietly changed his mind a few weeks later in a budget proposal submitted to Congress.
415. Name for city security mission, "Operation Atlas," succinctly expresses idea of policemen carrying weight of Republican self-interest on their shoulders.
414. A month after 9/11, Bush visited P.S. 130 with Pataki and Giuliani, posed for photos and led students in the Pledge of Allegiance.
413. Less than a year later, Pataki announced budget cuts that would slash funding for P.S. 130 disproportionately, because it was "in drastic need of improvement."
412. In other words, the Republicans cut even more funding for poor schools than for well-off ones.
411. As Iraq burns, New York Times sponsors tickets for more than 13,000 delegates and guests of the convention to attend eight Broadway shows.
410. Quote from NYC COO Maureen Reidy about the free tix: "For one night, thousands of delegates...will experience the magic that has touched millions."
409. Child prostitutes harder to find.
408. Inevitable marriage of countless hours of MNN and Amy Goodman.
407. News media seeks out reaction of: Danny Glover.
406. For the first time ever, George Steinbrenner not in the top one million irritating people in New York.
405. Iraq lies somberly parroted by unsmiling anchormen with eight-figure incomes.
404. Rash of babies named "Che" born nine months from now.
403. Inevitable appearance of "liberated," veil-free Afghani woman at convention; she goes on stage for five minutes and is rewarded with drink tickets and a filing job at a Maryland HUD office.
402. John McCain staring at Cheney throughout convention, praying for his heart to explode.
401. Above does not happen.
400. Midwestern delegates calling home to tell family about the "real New York cheesecake" they had at Lindy's.
399. Unavoidable tribute to Ronald Reagan.
398. Everybody on both sides draped in the flag.
397. New Jersey unveils hotline for citizens to report suspicious activity.
396. New Jersey Attorney General Peter Harvey, announcing said hotline, does B-movie Churchill impersonation: "We must transform fear into vigilance."
395. Police to wear wireless helmet videocams during protests: technology developed by
394. Four days of wall-to-wall primetime coverage just means a longer wait for the network television premiere of Swimfan.
393. Lavish post-convention party at the Water Club hosted by evil Swiss pharmaceutical company Novartis on Thursday night.
392. Novartis among leading producers of toxic medicines that don't work.
391. News media seeks out reaction of: Stephen Baldwin.
390. Masks temporarily against the law, even for ugly people.
389. Bloomberg offers theater and restaurant discounts to demonstrators willing to wear buttons that read "peaceful protester."
388. Temp jobs would've done a lot more good.
387. Eric Alterman continues to give beards everywhere a bad name.
386. A women's peace group called "Code Pink" invites people to "sponsor a goddess," i.e., pay for a female protester to come to New York.
385. NY1 "GOP Delegates Take in the City" segments.
384. Endless parade of "Republicans enter belly of the beast" newspaper stories.
383. Republicans won't have to lie much about John Kerry.
382. News media seeks out reaction of: Ron Silver.
381. "Bush is Nixon" buttons, which reinforce oppressive 60s paradigm that long ago stopped making sense.
380. Federal government kicks in extra $50 million for NYC security during convention after years of withholding allocated Homeland Security funds for the city in general.
379. Adoring New York fans robbed of chance to personally meet Tom Ridge, who has declined to appear this week.
378. Maybe he knows something we don't.
376. Cuts in federal COPS programs by "Law and Order" party left New York with 5879 fewer cops than in 2000.
375. No normal tourists in town.
374. News media seeks out reaction of: Bo Dietl.
373. Never a better time to go on a crime spree in Gravesend.
372. Afraid to make eye contact with cops.
371. Can't make a late-night tampon run to the Duane Reade at 34th & 8th without being hassled.
370. Can't make a late-night condom run to the Duane Reade at 34th & 8th without being hassled.
369. Candy Crowley asking once, twice, three times, four times for more, more, more mustard and onions on her hot dogs.
368. Lincoln Tunnel a mess until at least next Saturday.
367. Terry McAuliffe flies into town and praises his own media counterattack apparatus: "I like to use a sledgehammer when a scalpel will do."
366. Marc Racicot to be singled out of crowd during broadcast of Andy Roddick match.
365. He'll be sitting next to Chloe Sevigny.
364. Or your ex-girlfriend.
363. Rush Limbaugh in town; OxyContin scarce.
362. Wall Street Journal temporarily appropriated as the voice of Middle America.
361. The best week of ad sales in the history of the New York Sun.
360. Ray Charles can't be here to help legitimize the party of Trent Lott.
359. Trent Lott not here to alienate 70 percent of viewing audience.
358. Democrat officials like Terry McAuliffe frantically distancing themselves from antiwar protesters.
357. BUSH LIED 900+ DIED: Symbols of war dead in various protests only count American soldiers killed.
356. Inevitable mainstream news media undercount of protester numbers.
355. News media seeks out reaction of: Dixie Chicks.
354. Log Cabin Republicans upset to find out they're just metrosexuals.
353. Tucker Carlson.
352. Margaret Carlson.
351. Beltway Republicans bragging about their Dupont Circle duplexes.
350. Angry protester who thinks Kerry's first order of business will be to free Tibet and Mumia.
349. Jeb Bush showing off his Spanish with the cleaning help at his hotel.
348. Older men in trucker hats angered by younger men in trucker hats; fights break out.
347. To surprise of everyone, Janeane Garofalo and David Cross have something to say about out-of-towners.

The Convention Jockeys

346. RNC chair Ed Gillespie and CEO Bill Harris announce "Convention Jockeys," a multicultural group of brainless emcees who move through the crowd blathering platitudes.
345. "Convention Jockeys are a new program feature that will make this convention truly unique. The CJs will set the tone and tell the great stories of our partyç By having jockeys reporting from throughout the arena and from coast to coast, the nation will see the broad and diverse support for President Bush and his vision for a safer world and a more hopeful America."
344. The "Convention Jockeys" have their own "label": Liberty Records.
343. Convention Jockey #1: Christine Iverson
342. Convention Jockey #2: Mercedes Viana Schlapp
341. Convention Jockey #3: Rori Patrise Smith
340. Convention Jockey #4: Tara Wall
339. Convention Jockey #5: Yohana de la Torre
The Home Team
338. Fourth-rate street theater that wouldn't earn a dime on the 1 train masquerading as meaningful political opposition, to wit:
337. Toy "cloudbuster" gun aimed in general direction of Bush administration officials to release their repressed "orgone" sexual energy.
336. Serious, Ted-Hughes-reading college students in Diesel cords carrying mock coffins through the streets.
335. Lines of people carrying mock pink slips and marching down Wall Street.
334. Groups of fearsome lit students holding readings of the Iliad -- the "greatest anti-war story ever written" -- to protest the Iraq war.
333. The Church of Stop Shopping gathers at Ground Zero to jointly recite lines from the First Amendment into their cellphones.
332. All-day anti-Bush watergun fight held at Sheep's Meadow.
331. Billionaires for Bush "coronation ball" for "King" George Bush II.
Our Peers
330. The Village Voice strikes radical pose even though its primary investor is Goldman Sachs, one of George W. Bush's top contributors.
329. Oh, and their editor-in-chief is a conservative, geriatric tabloid veteran.
328. The Village Voice's RNC guide was clearly sold to advertisers as being read by delegates and Republican visitors -- not just protesters.
327. Impossible to tell if Village Voice article "Radical Chic: What to Wear on Sunday" was a joke.
326. New York Observer unable to resist "They're heeere" lede.
325. TimeOut New York editor and well-to-do, white asshole Howard Halle describing Mike Wallace as "rich, white asshole" in RNC editorial.
324. Bush straddles missile, Dr. Strangelove-style, on cover of Voice.
323. A big elephant poops on cover of TimeOut.
322. Bloomberg poses with an elephant on cover of New York.
321. John Buffalo Mailer gets New York cover by interviewing his daddy over the kitchen table in Nantucket.
320. New York Sun and New York Post both publish daily arrest tallies -- which mean whatever you want them to mean.
319. The New York Observer's straight-faced society coverage of the RNC -- like a Gotham Hall event described as "the convention event for the under-40 crowd."

318. Elephant hats.
317. Elephants made of clay.
316. Elephant cookies.
315. Elephant noses.
314. Elephant porn.
313. Elephant mugs.
312. Elephant beanie babies.
311. Elephant bobble heads.
310. Elephant Man.
309. Discomfiting press releases, such as:
308. "Yoko Ono, Lou Reed, Chuck D Join Festival Line-up"
307. "Special events include: RANT 'tIL YOU CAN't an evening of political screed; a LATE NIGHT KERRY-OKE SESSION; SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY: A BI-PARTISAN AFFAIR, a night of crossing over the aisle"
306. "Margaret Cho Sells Out Apollo, Adds Second Show"
305. Joe Piscopo plays a concert for Republican Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney and his delegates.
304. Piscopo is "a lifelong Democrat."
303. Raytheon, Liberty Mutual, the MassMutual Financial Group and Fidelity Investments are hosting the party at which Piscopo plays.
302. It's a clambake.
301. Visitors at impressionist Childe Hassam exhibit at the Met interrupted by PepsiCo roast held there in honor of Bill Frist.
300. Bristol Myers Squibb throws nightclub bash for Bush campaign manager Ken Mehlman and campaign chairman Marc Racicot.
299. The Bush administration has repeatedly bullied countries like South Africa into buying Bristol Myers Squibb AIDS drugs at inflated prices.
298. Delegates suspect cabbie hangout is al Qaeda terrorist cell; 888-SAFE-NYS log-jammed.
297. Even more people mispronouncing "Houston."
296. Influx of delegates causes massive sincerity surge, prompting city to tap into irony reservoirs in Williamsburg.
295. Bloggers with audiences of 13 dutifully reporting minute-by minute accounts from the back of the press section.
294. Number of bloggers of RNC official press corps: seven.
293. Number of articles about bloggers of RNC official press corps: 247.
292. Ashcroft suspects half of incoming Columbia freshmen for having links to terrorism.
291. Ashcroft pressures Arlene's Grocery to cancel French Kicks concert.
290. Birth defects later traced to patchouli fumes.
289. Claim by protester that "Bush is a fuckhead" fails to sway undecided voter.
288. Kissinger can't find a date at Lace.
287. Ed Koch tells us to "make nice."
286. United for Peace and Justice buckling under and agreeing to march on the West Side Highway.
285. United for Peace and Justice turning around and saying, "No, we won't march on the West Side Highway."
284. United for Peace and Justice, after being turned down by the courts, whining, "If we can't rally in Central Park, well then we just won't march at all." As if they thought that would work.
283. The mayor's attitude throughout the city's negotiations with United for Peace and Justice.
282. The shrill, grating voice of Leslie Cagan, national coordinator of United for Peace and Justice.
281. The Parks Dept.'s "you'll hurt the grass" excuse.
280. Removing the pigeons from the post office, not so they won't crap on New Yorkers, but so they won't crap on delegates.
279. Repaving all the streets the delegates might possibly drive on, to ensure a smooth and comfortable ride.
278. The claim on the part of RNC organizers that businesses within the police perimeter "would not be inconvenienced."
277. That stupid fucking walkway.
276. The laminated checklist handed out to all cops to help them quickly and easily identify "terrorists."
275. "I Love NY" radio spots encouraging delegates to visit the city's "toniest boutiques."
274. The naked fat men of ACT UP.
273. Swift Boat Veterans for Truth advance-book our favorite Mature Asian Hookers for Fiddy.
272. Flood of Guerilla News Network fake dollar "deception" bills threatens to send economy into Argentina-like tailspin.
271. Jim Dyke and Terry McAuliffe going back and forth like 13-year-olds about who has more "surprises" up their sleeve.
270. Farley Media Center complete with lounge, billiards and complimentary grooming services for reporters, including haircuts, manicures, makeovers, mini-facials and waxing.
269. The Justice Dept. opens a criminal investigation regarding internet postings by Bush administration critics that list the names of Republican delegates.
268. Men in capes.
267. In the privacy of their voting booths during the primaries, Democrats vote like Goldwater acolytes. Now the cameras are on them and it's like they're ready to storm the Winter Palace.
266. Earnest young communists working so hard and so thanklessly to distribute those free copies of Revolutionary Worker, you want to buy them a milkshake or something.
265. But there's a huge line of overweight womyn carrying rattles and whistles at the Cold Stone Creamery.
264. Cold Stone's ice cream sucks anyway.
263. 15,000 media members in Manhattan means national press apparatus stretched perilously thin should a 12-year-old white girl in suburban Utah be abducted after ballet class.
262. Dennis Miller teams up with newly hired correspondent Al Sharpton to cover convention for CNBC.
261. Timely announcement that David Beckham and Posh Spice are expecting third child.
260. According to numerous reports, the NYC Division of Parole has informed parolees that they are not to enter Manhattan from Aug. 30 to Sept. 3 except in the case of an authorized employment activity.
259. But you're welcome to come if you're a suburban pothead living in your parentsı garage.
258. A University of Missouri study found that when test subjects were reminded of their own mortality, they were more likely to be supportive of Bush.

The Face (and Midriff) of Protest

257 . The rappelling protesters to face serious assault charges because maladroit cop stepped through a skylight during the chase.
256. Rappellers complain to news media of overnight jail abuse, then emerge the next day smiling and revved up for triumphant progressive sex.
255. The forward-facing ears and faux-Gregory-Peck forelock of rappelling protester Cesar Maxit.
New York City Host Committee 2004 Supporters
254. Allied Domecq
253. Altria Group Inc.
252. American Express
251. American International Group, Inc.
250. Amgen Inc.
249. Mrs. Dawn Arnall
248. AstraZeneca
247. AT&T
246. Atlantic Development Group, LLC
245. Bank of America
244. Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg
243. Bristol-Myers Squibb Company
242. Brookfield Properties
241. Mr. Russell L. Carson
240. CB Richard Ellis
239. Cisco Systems, Inc.
238. Citigroup
237. Clear Channel Outdoor
236. Computer Horizons Corp.
235. ConEdison
234. Credit Suisse First Boston
233. DaimlerChrysler Corporation
232. Delta Air Lines, Inc.
231. Deutsche Bank
230. EMC Corporation
229. Ernst & Young
228. Fannie Mae
227. Federalist Group LLC
226. Geller & Company
225. General Motors
224. GFI Group Inc.
223. H.J. Kalikow LLC
222. IBM Corporation
221. IDT Corporation
220. International Paper
219. Sonia and Paul Tudor Jones II
218. JP Morgan Chase & Company
216. Marie-Josïe and Henry R. Kravis
215. Mr. Carl H. Lindner
214. Jennifer and Marc Lipschultz
213. Loews Hotels
212. Marriott International, Inc.
211. Mashantucket Pequot Tribal Nation
210. Mr. Thomas E. McInerney
209. Merrill Lynch & Co., Inc.
208. Metropolitan Life Insurance Company
207. Microsoft Corporation
206. Monster Worldwide, Inc.
205. MSD Capital, L.P.
204. New Balance Athletic Shoe, Inc.
203. New York Stock Exchange, Inc.
202. Pfizer Inc.
201. Restaurant Associates
200. Robert Plan Corporation
199. Mr. David Rockefeller
198. Rudin Management Company, Inc.
197. Schering-Plough Corporation
196. Serono, Inc.
195. SG Cowen & Co.
194. Mr. Paul E. Singer
193. SmarTech Corporation
192. Mr. Alex G. Spanos
191. State Street Foundation
190. The Bank of New York
189. The Blackstone Group
188. The Coca-Cola Company
187. The Hearst Corporation
186. The Lefrak Organization
185. The New York Life Insurance Company
184. The New York Times
183. The Walt Disney Company
182. Time Warner
181. Tishman Speyer Properties
180. UST Inc.
179. Verizon Communications
178. Waste Management, Inc.
177. Willkie, Farr & Gallagher
The First Daughters

176. Somewhere downtown, Jenna Bush is getting slammed by some dimwitted B-list television celebrity -- and it's not us.
175. Somewhere uptown, Barbara Bush is getting slammed by some well-connected Yale graduate -- and it's not us.
174. Barbara's handjobs not the same with Secret Service agent present.
173. Jenna forbidden by Secret Service to swallow non-Republican semen.

172. "During the RNC, Meet PETA's Presidential Candidate, Chris P. Carrotç [H]e pledges to put a plump TofurkyĦ in every pot!"
Oh, the Things You'll See
171. Cowbells.
170. Makeshift percussion instruments.
169. Bagpipes.
168. Megaphones.
167. Atari t-shirts.
166. Mumia shirts.
165. Anglo moms carrying kids in peasant-style bundles.
164. Anglo dads carrying kids in peasant-style bundles.
163. Fannypacks.
162. Che buttons.
161. Sarongs.
160. Home-made press passes.
159. Stickers on asses.
158. Red, white and blue tie-dyes.
157. Armbands.
156. Jiggly arms.
155. Hairy, jiggly arms.
154. But no kazoos.

153. This guy's pirate hat.
152. This guy's backup pirate hat.
151. Hagiographic "the inner turmoil of a heavy-hearted leader" Time convention cover story by egregious hacks Nancy Gibbs and John Dickerson.
150. Charles Krauthammer's nuke-ıem-'til-they-glow pro-Bush editorial in that same Time issue.
149. Time's opposing viewpoint written by the Washington General of liberals, Michael Kinsley.
148. We can't carry drugs in the Hot Zone.
147. We can't buy drugs in the Hot Zone.
146. We can't do drugs in the Hot Zone.
145. Recent George Will column, addressing choice of convention site, enthusiastically speculates on effects of dirty and nuclear bombs on New York. "As many as one in every 100 Manhattanites might develop cancerç Perhaps even more people would die in the panic."
144. The Will column is based upon a blistering indictment of George W. Bush by nuclear terrorism expert Graham Allison, yet Will twists it to argue Bush's advantage on the issue.
143. Speaking of destroying New York, Cheney and Rumsfeld launched careers in the Nixon White House, who described his feelings for us this way in 1972: "Goddamn New Yorkç Jews and Catholics and blacks and Puerto Ricans. [There is a] law of the jungle where some things don't survive. Maybe New York shouldn't survive. Maybe it should go through a cycle of destruction."
142. Democratsı "Mission Not Accomplished" tagline neither as funny nor clever as they think.
141. Newsweek's Jonathan Alter previews the convention by celebrating Republican saber-rattling in advance: "Democrats are never quite able to close the toughness gap."
140. Even Slate unable to miss the essence of the supposedly antagonistic New York Timesı Sunday lead story about Bush: "[Its] newsless softness makes a perfect convention welcome mat."
139. New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg sent antlered moose hats so that the state's delegates could wear them as they cast votes for George Bush.
138. John McCain previews upcoming speech with painful false modesty: "And obviously I say, with mammoth ego, I have some people out there that would like to see me talk, also."
137. McCain, on his future plans, again joking unsuccessfully: "Emperor has always appealed to me."
136. Pre-convention story reporting that Justice Department had once again rebuffed a request for documents about Bush's National Guard service goes almost unreported in national media.
135. Presence of former Bush general counsel Ben Ginsberg, who resigned last week in the wake of revelations he counseled anti-Kerry Swift Boat group.
134. New York Post story, "Hypocrisy, thy name is Kerry," blasts Dem candidate for refusing to disavow 527s.
133. That Post story fails to mention that Bush himself supported 527s when he ran in 2000.
132. Days before convention, Bush campaign chairman argues, with a straight face, that poor economic data is misleading because "we're in exceptionally good shape in comparison with [previous] recessions."
131. Bush Southeastern Campaign Coordinator Ralph Reed can't find an empty pew on the N train.
130. Inconvenienced delegates add more straightforward elevator system at the Guggenheim to party platform, eliminating windy ramp.
129. Spate of news articles already setting up Hillary Clinton-Rudy Giuliani contest in 2008, providing unpleasantly relevant backdrop to otherwise bogus New York event.
128. Buffalo natives Wolf Blitzer, Tim Russert and Vincent Gallo all have big weeks posing as native New Yorkers for credulous visiting Middle America.
127. Bill Clinton lurking somewhere uptown, having wide-eyed protester chicks washed and brought to his tent, two at a time.
126. And we envy the hell out of him for it.
125. Barack Obama praying for big Bush bounce to set up 2008 run.
124. Hillary Clinton doing the same.
123. Alan Keyes too busy with Illinois senate race to lecture nation on the Jeffersonian nature of the democracy aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.
122. Another week passes without Alan Keyes admitting that his comeback is a Daily Show spoof, leading to terrifying suspicion that it's actually all true.
121. Russell Simmons cancels protest of Rockefeller laws at last minute.
120. War on Drugs not mentioned as an issue even once in four days of coverage.
119. More canned political drama, less actual suspense than any of the Soviet Party congresses -- even the ones from the Brezhnev era.
118. Launch of LL Cool J's new clothing line, "James Todd Smith," completely overshadowed.
117. Brouhaha allows U.S. Men's Olympic basketball team to slither back into country unnoticed.
116. Confident expression of two-party consensus sold to public as violent contest of political extremes.
115. Headline to New York Times graphic depicting map of political donors by party in Manhattan: "For Politics, Money and Donors All Over the Map"
114. ...and the map appears not to show any donors at all above 100th St.
113. USPS delays mail for security reasons.
112. Bedsheet banners.
111. Hey hey, ho hoçYour tired, trite-ass sloganeering has got to go.
110. Truck traffic held, including grocery and beer deliveries.
109. Streets flooded with oily civil rights lawyers trolling for higher-profile cases.
108. Having to imagine what sort of atrocities are taking place behind all those hotel room doors.
107. FBI interviews would-be protesters.
106. No Ross Perot.
105. New Yorkers who complain about the inconvenience, but who ultimately don't mind being randomly scrutinized, searched and questioned because "it makes them feel safer."
104. James Baker spotted at Cafe Arbat in Brighton Beach drawing dotted lines on map of Caspian Sea with Solntsevo gang lieutenants.
103. Anti-Republican editorials aside, New York Times says: "Let's party!"
102. Pope too frail to make universally ignored convention-week plea for world peace.
101. Dennis and Penny Tooley, delegate and alternate delegate from Oregon, are "sure that the city will seem as alien to us as Mars," but they'll "worry about that later."
100. Republican National Committee reports a "Percentage Increase of Ethnically Diverse Delegates between the 2000-2004 National Conventions."
99. Newly unemployed, Sarah Jessica Parker has more time to do secretarial work for Susan Sarandon.
98. Sarandon now has more time to talk publicly.
97. Massholes at Boston Globe needle New Yorkers for fleeing convention.
96. Bush administration-backed coup in Venezuela (April 2002) like it never happened.
95. Dozens of official and unofficial "Guides to the Republican National Convention" for delegates/natives/press/visitors/protestors.
94. Reminders about New York's diversity, like this representative nugget in the Sunday Times: "The coexistence of a wide variety of people is one of the most striking features of life in New York."

The Merch Table

93. -2004 Republican National Convention Official Program: $12
92. -2004 Republican National Convention Painterly Poster: $25

91. -2004 Republican National Convention Skyline Poster: $5.98
90. -2004 Republican National Convention Cap: $19.98
89. -NYC 2004 Cap: $19.98
88. -2004 Republican National Convention Commemorative Coin: $16.98
87. -2004 Republican National Convention Key: $19.98

86. -2004 Republican National Convention Money Clip: $20.98
85. -Presidential Inauguration Coin: $16.98
84. -2004 Republican National Convention Bush/Cheney Button: $3.98
83. -2004 Republican National Convention Deluxe Magnet: $3.98
82. -2004 Republican National Convention Key Chain: $12.98
81. -NYC Host Committee 2004 Deluxe Magnet: $3.98
80. -NYC Host Committee 2004 Magnet: $2.98
79. -2004 Republican National Convention Deluxe Pin: $3.98
78. -2004 Republican National Convention Official ¨Cameraı Media Pin: $3.98
77. -2004 Republican National Convention Official ¨Fedoraı Media Pin: $3.98
76. -2004 Republican National Convention Pin: $11.98
75. -Official Volunteer Lapel Pin: $4.98

74. The flood of wire-service photographs shot from this angle.
73. Apparent Velcro sneaker revival.
As the World Turns
72. No mention of Clear Skies Act on any major network for the entire week.
71. No mention of Healthy Forests Restoration Act.
70. No mention of increased mercury emissions from coal-fired electric plants.
69. No mention of pollution-trading as part of Bush's "market-based" environmental solutions, or explanation of what that means.
68. No examination of preposterous assertions in Republican positions, like the contention that acid rain will be "virtually eliminated" by Bush environmental policies.
67. No in-depth examination of any issues at all: just speeches, personalities, human-interest angles, protest clashes and quirky New York features.
Whine with Your Hero?

66. NYPD and FDNY think anyone besides their wives care about the raises they haven't gotten.
65. Yet when they demonstrate in front of the Garden --
64. -- and invoke Sept. 11 for the millionth fucking time --
63. -- they expect us to care --
62. -- when a few weeks later they will arrest 264 for riding their bikes --
61. -- and hundreds more for protesting matters less petty than paychecks.
Anarchy in the U.S.A.
60. Shrill tabloid paranoia over "the anarchist threat."
59. People who believe the anarchist threat is real.
58. Ray Kelly believes the anarchist threat is real.
57. Daily News reports that "50 of the country's leading anarchists" are in town to cause serious mayhem.
56. They were already here all year, in Lower East Side coffee shops, trying in vain to give away free booklets of their poetry.
55. The world's 50 leading anarchists -- you know, the ones who actually do things -- were stopped at the border.
54. Lost Drew and Fabrizio's scent just as we were closing in.
53. The New York media turning so directly in on itself risks possibility of city breaking apart and crumbling into the sea, leaving world media-less and dependent on Bronze Age agricultural tools and weaponry.
52. Retired and failed General Tommy Franks setting the stage for future cabinet post.
51. 1.38 billion poorly edited political leaflets and counting.
50. Cutesy cartoon maps of Manhattan.
49. The New York Sun's Ira Stoll wandering amid crowds of protestors taking a poll made up of questions crafted to make respondents choose between unrealistic all-or-nothing propositions, such as, "Should the U.S. cut off all military aid to Israel -- or not?"
48. The New York Sun's "scientific" survey identifying 34 percent of the protesters as socialists.
47. There were 253 people in the Sun sample.
46. Tens of thousands of protest video journals uploaded at same time risk crashing internet.
45. News media seeks out reaction of: Rosie Perez.
44. Increased Home Shopping Network sales of Ground Zero Silver Dollars.
43. Possibility of future 2004 Republican National Convention Silver Dollars.
42. Memory of Indigo Girls show jarred loose.
41. Peter Vallone boasting that state security forces during the convention will constitute "perhaps the world's 10th largest standing army."
40. NYC Chief Marketing Officer Joseph Perello could broach offer to sell NYC brand name permanently to Republican National Committee, assuming this week's dry run goes well. Deal rumored to be valued at 15 public bathrooms, $70 million a year and free American Enterprise Institute-issued textbooks for city schools until 2020.
39. Not being able to get to work easily.
38. Still being able to get to work.
37.Collaborators who sincerely volunteered to help the GOP take over.
36. Four cops per delegate.
35. Keeping basic public security measures so secret that nobody knew what they were going to run into Monday morning.
34. The suspension of the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th and 9th Amendments for the duration of the convention.
33. The possible abolition of the 3rd and 8th Amendments in the days and weeks following the convention.
32. The ban on street fairs.
31. The ban on photography in the subway system.
30. The "Top 10" lists supplied by Bloomberg, Giuliani, Pataki and Koch, telling delegates where to go in the city.
29. Jay-Z still has 99 problems.
28. Random bag searches.
27. Shutting down a church's soup kitchen for a week because it was too close to MSG.
26. Afraid to pick up our monthly package of hash and heroin at the post office.
25. Otherwise, elephants are great animals.
24. 7th Ave. not wide enough for dramatic presidential F16 landing.
23. Even all of this won't make the Zambrano-Kazmir trade look any better.
22. Plain-jane protesters disappointing when compared with the models on all those "ROCK THE VOTE" billboards.
21. Ho-hum, fatalistic expectation that tens of millions of dollarsı worth of convention coverage will teach us absolutely nothing about political and economic reality in this country.
20. So many assholes, not enough red-hot pokers.
19. That West Side internment camp.
18. "Love it or leave it" indeed.
17. Ayn Rand smiling up from hell.
16. City residents putting up with Mount Kilimanjaro of indignities so the president can fly in for the night like some Jersey closet case sucking down as much Sum Yung Guy take-out as he can before running home to the wife and kids in Wyckoff.
15. The fact that nobody is looking at these security measures and saying, "Well, it looks like the terrorists won after all."
14. It takes an hour to explain to retards why Sunday's parade didn't have any floats.
13. The delegates aren't all staying on a big boat somewhere.
12. What's that country between Syria and Iran called again?
11. The mayor looks a little tired.
10. The GOP's sense of entitlement.
9. Feed them once, and they'll never go home.
8. Mike Tyson confused, thinks he's fighting Clifford Etienne Thursday night.
7. Have you tried getting a plumber?
6. Successful convention could help seal 2012 Olympics bid.
5. New York has never been more un-New York.
4. No better time than now, no better place than here to detonate that gigantic fucking nuclear bomb.
3. The sinking suspicion that, if they had their way, theyıd run the whole country like this.
2. When all's said and done, we will have helped Bush get reelected.
1. And he'll still hate us.